career, LIS, self care, spirituality, work, writing

Grounding myself, collecting my thoughts.

I have been hesitant to get back on my computer, recently. It seems I’m getting less narcissistic, though something that came up in the composition of this post is purpose.

After having gone through an online Master’s program, I’m increasingly valuing my time away from the computer, and questioning how much computer use is ideal in my life. It’s why I accepted the offer of working for a Public Library just recently, in a Public Services capacity. This is as versus putting more energy into Web Programming.

I’ve learned a good deal about the psyches of my co-workers, and actually, even though people can be irritating at times, getting to know their personalities and why they like (and dislike) what (and whom) they do, is interesting. As well, the difference in worldview and outlook between lower-level support staff through paraprofessionals through professionals, is interesting. Although I don’t think I would get a PhD in Psychology, I’m just becoming more interested in the inner workings of people, as versus machines.

Maybe that’s a reason I became interested in the Humanities, in the first place. Way back, it was just easier for me to experience others through writing, than through interaction. I think I’m getting better at the latter, though.

If I were thinking about things in an alchemical sense, I believe math, logic, programming, and philosophy would be related to an Air element, while what I’ve been doing recently — with writing by hand, and dealing with crystals (which has gotten me interested in geology, chemistry, and physics again) — is likely related to the Earth element. For a very long time, I have had severe problems with grounding…or, in other words, I lived within my thoughts more than I lived in the external world.

In a case like this, avoiding the computer for other projects — like reading physical books (which I’ll have to do, as a Librarian) — it’s a step in the direction of reconnecting with physicality. I actually can say that’s pretty important, even though for me, it’s difficult.

It shouldn’t be: for almost all of recorded history, there was no Web to addict people, or to virtually replace peoples’ lives, or to escape into. But for most of my life, I’ve heavily depended on my intelligence, whether that was my intellect or my sense of spirituality. I also know that I need to continue reconnecting with physicality…like by helping more with food preparation, and getting out and exercising. And, maybe, dealing with friends, or with people I would like to be friends.

It’s possible that having an impact on my environment — via my work and via my social experiences — is helping erode the need to “publish” (or write with the goal of readership) all the time. Connecting better with my body and having greater self-knowledge, is likely another reason I find myself becoming more invested in offline life. I’ve been basically tied to the computer for two years…it’s probably not surprising that I don’t want to be on it all the time now, when I don’t have to be.

On top of that…there is, as I’ve mentioned before, risk to writing online. Well — there’s risk where it comes to anything online, really. At the point one realizes this, the question of purpose arises…why, that is, would I share parts of my experience online? And does the possible fulfillment of that purpose outweigh the risk? How much of it is social, and how much of it is purpose-driven?

On one hand, I know that I write to share parts of my life with others. Being able to explain what’s going on as it’s going on, both helps me remember what happened, and I think also has a normalizing effect on the situation and others like it (or at least, that’s the intent). I do believe that I started blogging, however, without a clear purpose or objective in mind. The exception is this blog, which I started as a companion to Ravelry (which I don’t use anymore).

That then turned to crafts other than knit and crochet, like sewing, beadwork, lacework. Over time, it then shifted to commentary on what I had to do for my school and my job, instead of what I did with my free time.

I see my free time decreasing in the near future, and moreso later, especially if I get a full-time job. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But it means that I’m seeing I will have to let go of a lot that I did while I had the luxury of extra time.

At that point…I begin to wonder about the core parts of who I am, and what I would take with me, if I had increased resources and decreased time.

One of those things…is the pen hobby. I now have a few fountain pens, which I love. It is a luxury — one doesn’t need expensive pens to write (although none of mine are too expensive: they’re entry-level). But it’s nice to have them, even if it does mean I need to use them frequently. Using them isn’t too much of a problem, when you have a habit of writing for release, or introspection. And when you want the act of writing to be pleasant or customized — or encouraged.

The other thing that I just got back into is mineral collecting, which ties into my mystic side. I haven’t been doing meditation recently, though I should be doing it: exercise and meditation together will reduce my dependence on medication, so that I have the option of going down on my dosage. I feel stable where I am; the only problem is the tendency to gain weight. That, in turn, pretty much forces me to exercise, which will further benefit my mental state.

What I have seen with this is the possibility of crafting a path which enables me to affirm my commitment to extending the time life has on this planet. I don’t believe it will be all straightforward. But it is possible to desire this. It’s also possible to pray for it, or to do spells for it. There’s no proof that will work, but maybe I have greater reach than I think I do.

There is a paradox in using materials extracted from the earth in an attempt to help heal it. The intent to use them to attempt to help the biosphere and its denizens is the reason I feel okay with it. Without that possibility, it’s just collecting; but if I’m going to be collecting pretty things, and not having a lot of time to work with them, maybe this is better than collecting glass beads. For some reason, it does soothe me.

My nature as a human is to create. It might be possible that prayers or directed energy (I don’t know how to describe it in words; all words I’ve known have fallen short) could be useful, even if the mechanics are unexplained.

I wouldn’t be surprised if other things come up in relation to my identity, as I continue to read and write privately. But it’s fairly clear that I have a motive of furthering peace, understanding and harmony, and working against hatred and bigotry. I place a high amount of value on my own integrity, which is why I work in a library system. I also realize the limitations of what I can do as an eventual Librarian, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take action in private.

In this case…it seems as though those goals — exercise, meditation, reading, writing, healing, creation — might be enough to gather around, and focus this blog upon. When I first started blogging as a youth, I don’t know that I had any unifying cause to establish the blog around. Nor did I have an evolved sense of what I was seeking online. I’ve continued in that sense for over twenty years; it’s time to take it to the next level.

I guess I’m just getting older, and thinking things through more.

creativity, spirituality

Metaphysics and mineral collections

Earlier this week, D and I dropped by a local mineral shop. I picked up a gorgeous little pyrite and an agate sphere which looks like a planet. Today, I took the minerals off of the windowsill where they had been clearing in the sunlight, and got back into the box I have of little mineral specimens. That, in turn…has gone ignored for months, on the altar table which has also gone ignored, for months.

It’s been a while since I’ve dealt with minerals — especially, openly with the metaphysical properties of minerals. Although I hesitate to ascribe official meanings to minerals, stones, and crystals, I definitely feel a connection to certain specimens of certain stones. I’ve also felt those connections change. Whether that’s truly one-sided or vibrational resonance or what, I’m not entirely able to say.

Anyhow — the last time I dealt with people taking metaphysical properties of crystals seriously, it was in Hawaii (at a bead store which mostly sold gemstones). Historically, I’ve hesitated to ascribe metaphysical properties to my beadwork, as they’re unproven and generally taken on a basis of belief (or as selling points). The suspicion that metaphysical properties of gems are an economic ruse to generate perceived value; ecological concerns; and cost concerns; have been reasons I haven’t updated my stone collection (or my semiprecious bead collection) recently. Before this week.

It is a fact, however, that some stones do cause a primal response in me. I wouldn’t trust that I could untangle what all of these are, however; or whether any of them were more than subjective.

At one time I had an encyclopedic text called Love Is In the Earth (which has many additional pieces that go with it, which I never obtained) — this went over metaphysical mineral associations and/or properties. I must have sold it, however: I have not seen it on any of the bookshelves I’ve checked tonight.

What’s weird and/or interesting is that when I went into the box that contains my mineral samples, things felt different than usual. It’s like they cleaned themselves. Like they’re ready for me to feel them in my hand again. I’m thinking that it may have to do with my own clarity…

In particular, I have a wand that I bought maybe a decade ago, which I never used: both because of not being able to find a tradition I connected with in which I could use it, and because it just really did not seem to conduct my energy very well. I have two wands. One is alder wood with a quartz point; the other is pewter with a lead-crystal point. Whereas before, the alder wood felt active to me (like an extension of myself) and the pewter wand felt like a piece of tubing, I’m getting a feeling of conductivity from the pewter, now.

Could be nostalgia, or it could be something else.

I do think that it’s appropriate that it’s a Fire wand. I believe Alder is connected with Water. Of course, the four-element association is not universal (the Alder wand in particular may be given meaning by Druid tradition, if memory serves); but I’m thinking that I could take the best elements of the Fire that helped me through a dark time in my life (the will to live), and move forward that way, guided by myself and not so much by pre-established paths which don’t fit me.

Of course, now I’m sounding like a Chaos Mage, although I know not to randomly and constantly wish for stuff from the Cosmos, which is what the few Chaos Mages I’ve known (when I was about 25) seem to have been into.

I wonder if Chaos Magick is still a thing. Even when I was investigating it, they were shifting further underground…

I suppose Liber Null and Psychonaut (a foundational text for Chaos Magick) actually is here.

Not to mention that there are useful ends to wish for, at this point in history. Like, non-selfish ends. I mean, I shouldn’t consider casting self-crafted healing spells for the planet and its life and peoples to be offhand a waste of time (because I don’t know)…and it could help give me some self-guided spiritual direction.

That was what I saw in the little agate sphere…a reminder of the preciousness of this planet. Now I have three planet-looking spheres: a Rose Quartz, the Agate, and a black fiberoptic sphere which looks like a Gas Giant. (It was something my sibling bought online because it was advertised as “Black Materia” from Final Fantasy VII and we were silly that way. Of course, the Black Materia was actually a pyramid, but don’t tell anybody.)

I also feel the need to mention the fact that I’m reading a book right now which is trying to scientifically quantify a lack of empathy, which the author sees to be at times (though not all the time) associated with the capability for cruelty (not all the time, at least because one can have a lack of empathy and still wish harm on no one). I’m not sure what I think about it, yet, though after I get through with it — if I see it to hold water — I should post on it a bit.

Hmm. Then, there’s that whole Lightworker thing…which I mention because…a certain neural network just fired and it’s making me think it’s relevant. (I accidentally picked up a self-published Lightworker book also about a decade ago, without which I’d have little ground to even know what I am meaning, right now.) The point of Ascension (or failure to Ascend) just seems to be getting very much closer, and the stakes are getting higher.

I’ll keep the rest of what I have, on that…