career, personal, technology, writing

Yeah, I’m up.

It’s been a while since I made any entries to this site, and right now I’m not sure I should be writing. It’s well after midnight, and the events of the past day — well, they’ve been disturbing enough that, for one thing, I’m up at midnight (though several months ago, this would not have been “a thing”); for another thing, I just took medication about four hours late, which means I may just have blown tomorrow up where it comes to getting anything done.

To catch you all up: in the interim, I’ve gone off of one of the medications which caused me one of the most irritating side-effects I’ve had to deal with, which was slow incremental weight gain over a number of years. I had to be on it when I was working at the Library, because I wouldn’t have been able to handle working with the Public, without it. (I’m thinking that anyone who works [or has worked] directly with the Public, knows what I’m talking about.) But I haven’t had to do that for over a year, and I realized that now might be an opportune time to go through withdrawal…which I’ve done. I don’t think my mood tonight has to do with that, but my sensitivity to criticism and harassment may well have increased.

Concomitant with anything having to do with that medication is sleep disturbance. I naturally tend to get about four to six hours of sleep a night. On the medication I’m still on, I tend to get 12-14. The fattening medication was meant to help me be functional in the daytime, but due to the fact that I lost structure during Pandemic Lockdown, I was taking it irregularly, and hence I was regularly waking up at 4 to 5 in the morning. No, I don’t know why. That’s the reason I stopped, though: in addition to the fact that I’ve gained enough weight that it’s now disturbing for me to look at myself.

But anyway, I’m in a bit of a self-destructive, angry mood…which is why I’m still up writing when I know I should be in bed.

To get across what happened without pointing fingers…pressure has increased where it comes to getting a paying job, as versus working on the beadwork enterprise (which is much less efficient when it comes to earning money, and may be best as an avocation for an unmarried person). I’m not sure if it was intended to come off as it did, but it pretty well ensured that I felt like **** for most of the day. Especially as I feel like the vast majority of my life has been spent doing what other people have wanted me to do. Then they tell me to do what I want to do, which I have absolutely no practice at being able to tell, having been told what to do all my life, and they get upset when I don’t know already what I want to do.

Constantly pushing me about what I want to do isn’t going to make me know what I want to do. The only thing that’s going to help with that, is experience. I can’t make myself know what I don’t know, which is something I learned while trying to investigate the whole gender identity thing. Maybe four years from now, I’ll have a better idea; but in the meantime, we’re stuck with experiments. I’m sorry.

Anyhow. I’ve spent the vast majority of today attempting to line up at least one route of learning, which is in line with what other people want for me. We’ll see if I’m ever able to get into my email inbox. I couldn’t do it, tonight: I’m thinking someone at Admissions & Records has to manually approve something, or the server has to catch up. If it isn’t up by early next week, I’ll call in.

The reason I’m writing in to this blog is that I’ve realized that writing is one of my core interests and strengths…which I had started to develop, here. It seemed out of place to put it up on my beadwork blog, and I haven’t yet really committed to an archive of creative writing (though a long time ago, I did set up a spot, with — you know, a theme…maybe I’ll develop it and share the URL here once it’s built up. Personal writing and Creative writing are good bedfellows). You may notice that a lot of my older Pandemic writings are no longer visible; I still have them, but they aren’t Public, right now.

I’ve been in a kind of limbo between beader and writer and blogger. Being in business kind of makes self-expression a negative thing; but if I go into Writing, people will actually appreciate the fact that I can think and express my thoughts. That’s why communication exists, after all.

Of course, if I’m not financially dependent on the beadwork, that limitation totally goes away. Unless, that is — I end up in an environment where I have to conform, again. But it’s a very good question, to what extent conformity is valued in a world of thoughts. It’s certainly not the reason I got into Writing; the distance I am from that is so incredibly far that I don’t even know of an appropriate metaphor.

I mean…language doesn’t exist so that we can speak again the thoughts of the past, any more than Art exists to copy the “Old Masters” or Music exists to replay Bach over and over again.

Well…I guess if I’ve gotten anything out of tonight, it’s that I might actually have a chance at some of these jobs, at least in the future. I had been concerned with obtaining training in Computer Science: Information Technology was what I was overwhelmingly matched to, when I took a short assessment, tonight. Out of everything, it looks like what I can leverage most would be Web Development, Game Design, and Computer Programmer…

Or, that would be the interesting stuff. :) Well, Programming hasn’t really been that interesting to me, but I’ve never had a good class in it. HTML? CSS? I’m down with that. But that’s not programming; that’s markup and stylesheets.

I should add that I don’t know the mechanics (i.e. algorithm) of the assessment tool, so I probably should take its predictions with a grain of salt.

The thing is…I know a good deal about languages; human ones, I mean. The sheer opacity of technical language is…well, it’s a barrier. Possibly an intentional one. But human languages…I’m skilled with English, I can understand Spanish at times, and I’m interested in Japanese (and am learning to decode it by ear). That…sounds more like a linguistically-oriented person, to me. The thing is, much of my communication is through writing or media.

Which fits in well with the, “Artistic,” attribute I found pinned on me from the assessment. I also scored highly in, “Realistic,” and, “Conventional.” I don’t know where that came from; but maybe I would be a different person if I wasn’t harassed as a youth. I guess some of my habits are conservative (sewing, beadwork), but that doesn’t really reflect on my politics at all. What it does reflect on is concern over being forced out of a group for being different, which can cause a person not to acknowledge or express their difference. (Does fear of expulsion define conservatism?)

I did see job ads tonight which dealt with multimedia…which I’ve been wanting to get into, and may now be at a place at which I can. But do I need to understand how to edit video (.mp4), or should I be focusing on game scripting…? (The latter sounds more enjoyable, but the former opens more jobs.) I need to research more job ads, on this: I’ve been looking at Copyeditor positions, and that…looks very doable, to me.

It could be worth it to focus on translation, eventually…but that requires eventual facility in a language…and I’m still not sure where to learn Japanese beyond an introductory level, let alone where I can practice it.

Why was it that I originally wanted to learn Japanese? I know I was exposed to anime, manga, and video games…I also wanted to learn the roots of what had influenced me as a child. Hmm.

Anyhow…I seem to have calmed myself down. Maybe I can go take a rest, now…

career, creativity, self care, spirituality, technology

Creativity and awareness.

For the past three days, I’ve been having issues with lethargy, and late today I realized what may be causing it. Hopefully, tomorrow won’t be as bad. I’ve just been through a couple of days of early-morning work and an early-morning class…I need to prepare for this, better.

I did reach the point, yesterday, of becoming annoyed enough with the books and magazines and catalogs laying around everywhere, to put them away. At this point, I know that I do want to rearrange them. The major issue is the fear of not being able to find anything after they have been rearranged.

There is also the possibility of getting a long and low bookshelf. Because of earthquake concerns (I’ve lived through two major earthquakes: Loma Prieta [1989] and Northridge [1994]), the tall bookcase that I have, which has most of my books on it, isn’t in my bedroom. There is too much of a danger of it falling over, either onto the bed or into an escape route.

However, there is another reason the books aren’t here: it’s dust. Apparently, because I spend so much time in the bedroom (asleep), things collect dust quickly. This isn’t so much of an issue for the office, which is where I have a few bookcases in use…most of them are storing things I haven’t immediately used, however, like my Writer’s Thesaurus, and various anthologies from my undergrad degree.

A while ago, I did start going through things to figure out which books I really wanted and would use; but after filling a couple of boxes (and clearing a couple of shelves), stopped. Maybe I need to get back to that.

If I can clear a deep shelf, I can move the majority of my craft books, “to keep,” back down there. The issue is that most of them are too tall to fit on the shelf they’re on, currently. To be honest, I can’t even recall why I put them there, except to sort them away from their default position.

When you work in a library, you learn that location can be imbued with meaning. It is possible for me to use that space as a library, considering that the computer no longer has to live there, and that what is there is basically now an archive.

It would make sense for me to go through my images and work, though I think all of that stuff is already backed up to an external hard drive. I just don’t live in that room as much as I used to. I also do have a low (“altar”) table with floor pillows and the like, from the time when I was meditating.

I really don’t know if I’d like to get back to that; I’ve already been through the disillusionment thing with Buddhism (that being my realization that Buddhism is an organized religion run by people who have politics and faults, and that it may not be “true”), but I also have a non-denominational meditation book that I could deal with, if I wanted to. (I got it years ago when I read a bit of it at the library and knew I would want to read it, even if it got deleted.)

As part of my illness “recovery”, I am supposed to be exercising and meditating in order to reduce my dependence on medication, and abate some of the side effects. It’s been a long time since I could even think about doing that, however — I had to get through grad school. It’s also really a pain to sit seiza (on one’s knees) or in Lotus (half-Lotus?) position on the floor, for long periods of time. I suppose it does connect me with the past; I just don’t particularly know if it’s something I even want to be associated with, anymore.

Of course, this is me on the other end of over two decades of medication, and without a lot of the credulousness that I had, before it. It’s really clear to me that what I’m on quiets my mind, and seems to eliminate the need for creativity in trying to explain what’s happening. It’s very apparent, and has been, to me, that I move closer to an atheistic position when I’m on a higher dose of one medication in particular (which I’m on, now)…this being why I currently consider myself either a Pantheist or Panentheist, not Pagan or Buddhist. Hindu beliefs have been on the edge of my thought, but I’m not deep enough into studying them to particularly understand them wholly.

In any case…I probably need to explain Pantheism. Pantheism (not, “polytheism,” as the last person I tried to explain this to, assumed) is the belief that the Universe is divine and the body of the Divine. Panentheism believes that the Universe is the body of the Divine but that the Divine is also more. I don’t think too much about which camp I fall into, partially because it doesn’t really ultimately matter (reality and truth exist whether or not I acknowledge them); also because both sets of beliefs are pretty fringe.

But…I think this actually is the best explanation I can give for the way my mind works, when it comes to religion. I have more of a feeling of sacredness when I go into the mountains, than anything. It’s one of those, “this is beautiful and could easily kill me,” feelings. Definitely high-alert, definitely respectful. When you’re out someplace like in the Sierra, you know — or at least I’ve known — that if I die, it’s more than likely my fault (or the fault of someone with me, like when the idiot kids were rocking boulders in the talus pile) and not the wildernesses’.

As a kid, I wouldn’t get out into wild areas very often because family did not like being away from the comforts of civilization. Now that I’m older, I will have more of a chance to explore wild places on my own or with friends, but to be honest, it’s not something I seek. I don’t like putting my survival on the line for no reason.

Anyhow…one of the items on my altar table is a box with little tumbled stones and mineral samples in it. Sadly enough, this is about as close as I get to monoliths, right now.

There is also my little bunny fetish from when I was a kid. I was totally into bunnies as a kid. A “fetish,” in this terminology, is a stone that holds personal significance. Mine is a little black carved thing, from a Zuñi artisan whose name I’ve likely lost. However, given its source, and what I can remember, I believe it has been blessed.

I used to carry it around, which is what initially got me into fetish pouches, which is what got me into beadwork. But, back on topic: the rabbit fetish represents creativity.

Right now, I don’t know where I stand with that. I could activate and begin feeding and carrying this fetish again…but somehow that seems a bit creepy. :) Or metaphysical, at least.

I did read a couple of blog entries about not worrying about monetizing one’s passion (which, in this case, has been related to my beadwork). The reason I cleared off a great deal of the craft table is that I wanted to paint again…something I haven’t done in months, as I haven’t seen it as profitable. I didn’t know how to start, so I got out my “Dusties” box and started playing with graphite crayons and willow charcoal.

One thing I did learn: don’t be afraid to make apparently nonsensical details and unclosed lines when working abstractly. ;) They’re what make things interesting. :) I was also attempting not to fight the urge to follow the ghost lines that appear before I may trace over them.

On second thought, maybe I should be meditating. It may help me endure the terror I feel while creating long enough for me to actually make some things.

I’m pretty sure I want to use gouache in the near future, but I don’t entirely have a topic yet. Water, fire (or, “flowing things,” reminiscent of some Southeast Asian styles I’ve seen), and landscapes came up when I was working yesterday, though. Broken lines merge into negative space merge into organic overlaps. It happens.

And tools affect outcomes. Particularly, charcoal sticks are great at mark-making, but they can’t necessarily flood a page, and all of your color is black to grey.

I still need to test out my Sennelier Prussian Blue (transparent) watercolor against Daniel Smith Prussian Blue, the latter of which fades in intensity after months in direct sun. It will be weeks before I’ll see if there is any difference in permanence, though the sooner I swatch, the sooner I’ll know.

I’ve also realized that I should likely broaden my job search beyond the library field. The nature of what I’ve learned has applications in the wider tech and information fields, and though this is a bit terrifying, it means I have a potential way out of what is strictly the Library. Most people who are working…need to be creative in their job searches. I can do that, too.

There are several places where I can look for at least an interim job before dealing with libraries: fabric stores, bead stores, art supply stores, for three categories to start with. I’ve realized that my involvement with these things is okay, possibly even good, and may become useful.

It would also likely be good to continue on with my JavaScript course. I was looking over my books from my Library and Information Science program, and…I have a large number of tech-oriented books. If I want to be in a tech field, learning more technology is essential. It’s probably not wrong to be unsure at this point if I do want to be in a tech field…so long as I don’t let that stop me from doing what I do want to do, and trying out what might be helpful. If I hate it, that’s one thing; but personal uncertainty (do I want to be in Tech because D was in Tech?) is going to happen, regardless…