Procrastination, intimidation

I kind of can’t believe how much I do not want to work on my homework. Despite that, I know it’s the best thing for me to be doing, right now. At…11 PM at night. Maybe not. I’ve learned that doing unwanted, intensely focused work at the expense of sleep and while half-awake, breeds resentment. Right now, the best I can do is plan.

Tomorrow…and the day after…I can work through the assignments. We basically have one more week of this course — until the end of the month. I’m okay with fitting two weeks’ worth of work into one. It generally looks like a lot, but it’s only been four to five hours of work a week. My deal is that it’s tougher with the time delays between weeks, that cause me to forget and have to review material. I don’t like having to go back over things.

My Sunday and Monday are free — except possibly for gym and showering on Monday, or the Japanese market, also on Monday (I’ve found a type of manju that reminds me of moon cakes, and am missing it). I have nothing important to do this Tuesday night (that’s not always true), or Wednesday night. I can then complete Week 4’s work on Thursday and Friday (though I may need Thursday for general grocery shopping), saving Sunday for unexpected catch-up. The course ends officially at the end of Sunday, June 30. That gives me…seven days, four of which are totally open. If I’m right, my class on Library of Congress Subject Headings should start the day after, on July 1. I can tolerate this discomfort for one more week, can’t I? I’m sure LCSH can’t be this bad.

I just…am really resistant (not to mention, discouraged), right now. If I push myself, it may turn into deep-seated seething rage (do you know how much living I’ve missed because I had to study?), and that…I don’t want. I’m pretty sure it’s because of the sheer volume of information that’s being put out at me; it’s intimidating. Or, maybe it’s more the sheer number of links that I have to deal with, which each have an unspecified amount of information behind them. It’s one of the downsides of using electronic resources.

I realize that I pass if I just try — there’s no pressure to get anything right — but seriously, I hate trying to do things when I don’t have enough information, or I have it and can’t compile it, and have to struggle for air. I hate showing that I don’t know what I’m doing. But maybe the sheer difficulty of this work is the reason why we are being graded on just trying, rather than on the accuracy of our answers.

It’s about 11:30 PM my time, right now. Seeing how I woke up at 5:30 this morning (I blame exercise from yesterday — I totally popped awake, then), I should probably get some rest so that I can get to studying, tomorrow.

The “fun” part of work?

Seeing my Vocational counselor recently got me to realize that while I’m aiming for an entry-level Librarian position (professional), or a Library Assistant position (paraprofessional), my intent at the beginning of all of this was to go into either Cataloging or Web Design.

Because of issues with Cataloging which I’m now familiar with as persistent and known cultural problems (particularly within DDC and LCC, the two major classification systems in U.S. libraries [at least if BISAC hasn’t crept up and taken more ground from DDC than I know]), but which struck me out of the blue as a cultural minority student, I switched out of Cataloging early on to focus on Digital Services. Particularly, I wanted to learn coding in a situation where I wouldn’t have to worry about being stigmatized or harassed or seen as a non-person because of being female.

While I didn’t go all the way into the Web Programming path…I can see that the latter was what I have been thinking of, when I think of needing to know current versions of HTML, CSS, JavaScript, JQuery, PHP, MySQL (not to mention mastering command-line interfaces), etc.

Maybe it’s not so bad; I mean, I can understand a lot now that I couldn’t, before. My current LCC course builds on a lot that I was introduced to in Library School (like MARC encoding), that I wouldn’t understand otherwise. It’s similar with my Metadata knowledge and the database stuff I had to go through. The last was really difficult, but I now at least have had an introduction to it.

I’m thinking and hoping that the Master’s program was intended just to be an introduction to the current terrain…and not that it was meant to make me fully capable of engaging with it on my own (because I don’t feel ready to do that, yet). I also need to remember, though, that in the real world, teamwork happens. I probably will not need to know everything, myself.

At least, I hope not.

Tonight, I’ve been catching up on Social Media — maybe, “catching up on,” isn’t the right phrase — maybe, “using,” Social Media (as versus, “not using,”) is closer to the reality. While I was in classes, I basically put social interaction outside of family, school, work, a couple of groups, and blogging, to the side; and otherwise limited my interaction. Now that I’m out, there is this emphasis on, “networking,” and I’m realizing how many ties with people I’ve made over the years (although in a lot of cases, they’re rusty ties).

I’ve also been checking in on the Career Center for my alma mater. I think I underestimate myself, my network, and my strengths. Somehow it isn’t surprising: I have a tendency to set very high standards for myself (not to mention that I have a tendency to doubt I can reach them). The major drawback to this in my case is that if I think I have no chance at success, I have a tendency to avoid engagement.

I mean, on one level, that’s really a survival strategy — it’s way harder to get through a class when you’re lost, especially when you’re part of a team (and the team isn’t helping you, and you feel like the slackers who mooched off you in high school, but you really don’t know what you’re doing). On another level, that type of thinking keeps me from trying things that I might be able to do but am afraid I can’t (like taking Project Management or Cybersecurity, both things I know I need to know, but which I am leery of taking in a University setting where my GPA is on the line).

I seem to remember hearing something like this from several years ago, coming out of MIT…how students were punished for failing, when they should be supported for risk-taking — and students who played it safe and took easy classes (resulting in high GPAs) were lauded.

During my time in the Master’s program, I tried to take a middle road and not do something that seemed too easy. It’s part of why I went for a tech-oriented path: I figured that I should learn something moderately difficult, instead of something I could puzzle through on my own.

Of course, going for entry-level Librarian jobs…that isn’t so tech-heavy. It leans more into Customer Service, Psychology, and Politics…

…which, of course, are also difficult, just in a different way. Majorly, they are difficult in ways that have to do with people. Which…isn’t where I thought I’d end up. But without knowledge of a solid Programming language, at this point, and without Cataloging knowledge…or experience in the field (or even really knowledge of the field), I’m at a disadvantage.

Hmm. That means get to know the field! Right? Fill in those knowledge gaps!

And remember that an entry-level Librarian job is just entry-level. It’s not forever.

Fatigue. Not wanting to study.

Today was almost a wash. I got up, ate breakfast, did some studying (when?), went back to bed, fell back asleep, got out of bed to vacuum a bug off of my ceiling. (I thought it was a spider, but on closer inspection, it was probably a silverfish.) I’m pretty sure I know why I was tired today, not that it’s fare for the blog (sorry, all).

Yesterday, I was able to go out and get a larger embroidery hoop, plus some DMC threads, and a couple of tatting shuttles. The colors of the threads really remind me of the SuperDuo beads I got at the last bead convention I attended. There must be some fashion palette thing going on for Summer 2019 that I haven’t yet researched (though on looking at the Pantone Color Forecasts through Fall 2020, I don’t see it). In any case, SuperDuos…I’d have to really work out a design to be able to use those in coordination with embroidery threads!

I’m hoping to soon be able to begin practicing tatting, though that isn’t a priority if I can’t get my course work done (unless, that is, I start to de-prioritize the course work). I’m still waiting for the recording of yesterday’s live session to come through. I wasn’t able to attend, due to the fact that I had a doctor’s appointment (Occupational Health), and couldn’t tell what time the meeting was supposed to be held, and wasn’t notified until the day before. Had I known it began at 9 AM my time, I could have gotten up early, prepared to go out, attended the meeting, then gone to my appointment and not have worried about it.

Right now, though, we’ve been given a number of web pages to go to and bounce back and forth between…it isn’t fun. It’s (relatively speaking) free, but not fun. I’m thinking that the thing to do is to make a folder on my bookmarks bar and use that to access the pages, though I’ll later have to move it into the regular bookmarks menu.

I guess if I’m feeling like this, it’s okay not to work on this stuff right now.

I’m still wondering how to organize this DMC thread…I have some bars to hold open skeins of DMC cotton, but not enough for all of them. I know how to deal with sashiko thread, but this? Not entirely. I suppose I can practice with disassembling some of the colors that I’m probably not going to use, so that if they get tangled, it doesn’t really matter.

But like I was telling my friend at work, the hardest part about embroidery, for me, is the design aspect…and I’m not sure how I can design if I’m not even intimately familiar with all the stitches, yet.

So maybe I should just play around for now, just to learn…and I hate to learn from books (they’re not always an optimal medium), but if that’s the way it has to be, I don’t mind. (I should look around online for video demos, though. I found — through attempting to learn Korean knotwork from books — that videos are sometimes much more helpful than still images and words.)

I’m sitting next to my sewing kit, here, and really want to get into it. At the same time, it’s almost 10 PM, and I have work tomorrow (not to mention the fact that I want to get some stuff together to give to my friend, which I keep forgetting at home: particularly, some tinted papers).

The beadwork hasn’t been a priority since before our visitor left…I should probably clean up my workspace, so the beads don’t get dusty. I’ve been having issues with not being able to focus or concentrate on one medium. I feel kind of scattered.

Well, scattered and tired. Those two things kind of go together…

Chrono logy

I’m writing right now because I’m not quite ready to start my homework again, and for some reason, I can tell something needs to get out. There’s a lot of stuff happening, and a lot yet to happen — things kind of competing for pieces of my time. At least when I’m at work, there is a clear hierarchy of tasks to help me prioritize and complete everything. At home, though, it’s different — there is work, and school, and family life, and personal life — and I’m not sure which is most important, at this time.

I need to get my homework out of the way very soon; I’m aiming for completing it during the next two days, to give myself two extra days if I slack or have extra trouble. I’m cutting out working on it today, unless I start my second practice assignment late tonight…which I don’t think is a good idea, as I worked six and a half hours today. I can stomach re-reading what I already read, though. I can also stomach watching the videos that I’m told don’t relate to the rest of the unit, which sounds better.

The good thing is that I already am kind of familiar with the Dewey 800 range (Literature), from my first Cataloging course and from my shelving work; that’s what we’re working on now.

Notably, I had an easier time at work, today, due to a number of things. I think people chipping in has a lot to do with it. Because of that, because my manager has been meeting with everyone to get them up to speed, and because I’ve been prioritizing my own shelving of the least-liked carts, I think things have been running more smoothly.

So…I was at work for an extra 30 minutes today. I figured it was okay to talk to people a little — normally I would be all-business (or mostly-business), but I’ve been trying to be a bit more gentle on myself since I got an overuse injury in one of my tendons. (I’m pretty sure it was from working too hard.) I’ve also been trying to be more gentle on myself since my graduation ceremony happened, and since it’s set in that no one is recording my Grade Point Average anymore and tying it to my financial aid and continued good standing in the Master’s program. What I am dealing with is finishing my course material on time, in order to earn a Certificate showing that I completed the class…which is, I know, relatively minor.

I do still need to call my vocational program to set up a meeting (I would like help obtaining work experience in an Academic Library setting) — it’s been two weeks since I was notified to call in. I’ve been meaning to do it since before Commencement (my graduation ceremony), but around then I also knew I didn’t know how my time was going to pan out for the near future.

Right now I have the time to meet, but I also don’t know when my required meeting times (for my next course) will happen. I’m guessing Monday mornings, from what is up on one of the course pages, but the course hasn’t started yet — hence, the page where I read this information is not yet up to speed.

Another thing stopping me from scheduling an appointment was the fact that I was working on another job application. It’s turned in, now. There is a tentative date of Monday, June 10 scheduled for the placement test…and I have no control over whether they accept me into that, or not. The major issue is that I don’t have a Driver’s License, though I’m qualified for the position in other ways (though I’m told there are Librarians in that system without licenses, it looks like this is a new requirement).

We also have family visiting us, and that time will be over in the beginning of next week…so there is another time pressure (which maybe shouldn’t be a time pressure, but I value my time with family and don’t want to be working my *** off instead of savoring time with them while we’re together, and trying to unwind before the next phase of my growth…kind of paralleling the work situation).

There have also been two jewelry projects that have come up, but I don’t think those are getting done as soon as I or we have hoped. There’s too much that matters more, in the near future, not to mention that I’ve realized that the creative process is a continual process and that I keep getting better and different designs, the more I focus. That’s…not necessarily great, if I fail to execute any design to completion.

The other thing that matters is that I need to practice my driving (my employment may hinge on it), though that probably won’t be happening for at least a week. Too soon, I will need to renew my Learner’s Permit…

…and I just got my first taste of Mario Kart on the Nintendo Switch. Kind of cool…good as something to take my mind off of things for a minute…which may be better for me than it sounds.

As regards beading, I’ve got a number of ideas. One is to make a twisted herringbone rope with drop beads at its edges. Another is to make a twisted spiral Tri Stitch with SuperDuos in place of the drop beads in my last model, and run an embellishment through the second hole in each SuperDuo. The third is to make a line of Quad Stitch (like Tri Stitch but with one extra bead in the gap), alternating 8/0s and SuperDuos, then running another line between the SuperDuos and 8/0s.

Yeah, that’s a lot, and it’s probably not all that clear, but I needed to at least try and make a record of my thoughts somewhere, so I wouldn’t forget them. Even chicken-scratchy design drawings, help me recall what I was thinking.

Okay, Internet. Bedtime, now. Tomorrow, produce shopping and Unit 4!