career, personal, technology, writing

Yeah, I’m up.

It’s been a while since I made any entries to this site, and right now I’m not sure I should be writing. It’s well after midnight, and the events of the past day — well, they’ve been disturbing enough that, for one thing, I’m up at midnight (though several months ago, this would not have been “a thing”); for another thing, I just took medication about four hours late, which means I may just have blown tomorrow up where it comes to getting anything done.

To catch you all up: in the interim, I’ve gone off of one of the medications which caused me one of the most irritating side-effects I’ve had to deal with, which was slow incremental weight gain over a number of years. I had to be on it when I was working at the Library, because I wouldn’t have been able to handle working with the Public, without it. (I’m thinking that anyone who works [or has worked] directly with the Public, knows what I’m talking about.) But I haven’t had to do that for over a year, and I realized that now might be an opportune time to go through withdrawal…which I’ve done. I don’t think my mood tonight has to do with that, but my sensitivity to criticism and harassment may well have increased.

Concomitant with anything having to do with that medication is sleep disturbance. I naturally tend to get about four to six hours of sleep a night. On the medication I’m still on, I tend to get 12-14. The fattening medication was meant to help me be functional in the daytime, but due to the fact that I lost structure during Pandemic Lockdown, I was taking it irregularly, and hence I was regularly waking up at 4 to 5 in the morning. No, I don’t know why. That’s the reason I stopped, though: in addition to the fact that I’ve gained enough weight that it’s now disturbing for me to look at myself.

But anyway, I’m in a bit of a self-destructive, angry mood…which is why I’m still up writing when I know I should be in bed.

To get across what happened without pointing fingers…pressure has increased where it comes to getting a paying job, as versus working on the beadwork enterprise (which is much less efficient when it comes to earning money, and may be best as an avocation for an unmarried person). I’m not sure if it was intended to come off as it did, but it pretty well ensured that I felt like **** for most of the day. Especially as I feel like the vast majority of my life has been spent doing what other people have wanted me to do. Then they tell me to do what I want to do, which I have absolutely no practice at being able to tell, having been told what to do all my life, and they get upset when I don’t know already what I want to do.

Constantly pushing me about what I want to do isn’t going to make me know what I want to do. The only thing that’s going to help with that, is experience. I can’t make myself know what I don’t know, which is something I learned while trying to investigate the whole gender identity thing. Maybe four years from now, I’ll have a better idea; but in the meantime, we’re stuck with experiments. I’m sorry.

Anyhow. I’ve spent the vast majority of today attempting to line up at least one route of learning, which is in line with what other people want for me. We’ll see if I’m ever able to get into my email inbox. I couldn’t do it, tonight: I’m thinking someone at Admissions & Records has to manually approve something, or the server has to catch up. If it isn’t up by early next week, I’ll call in.

The reason I’m writing in to this blog is that I’ve realized that writing is one of my core interests and strengths…which I had started to develop, here. It seemed out of place to put it up on my beadwork blog, and I haven’t yet really committed to an archive of creative writing (though a long time ago, I did set up a spot, with — you know, a theme…maybe I’ll develop it and share the URL here once it’s built up. Personal writing and Creative writing are good bedfellows). You may notice that a lot of my older Pandemic writings are no longer visible; I still have them, but they aren’t Public, right now.

I’ve been in a kind of limbo between beader and writer and blogger. Being in business kind of makes self-expression a negative thing; but if I go into Writing, people will actually appreciate the fact that I can think and express my thoughts. That’s why communication exists, after all.

Of course, if I’m not financially dependent on the beadwork, that limitation totally goes away. Unless, that is — I end up in an environment where I have to conform, again. But it’s a very good question, to what extent conformity is valued in a world of thoughts. It’s certainly not the reason I got into Writing; the distance I am from that is so incredibly far that I don’t even know of an appropriate metaphor.

I mean…language doesn’t exist so that we can speak again the thoughts of the past, any more than Art exists to copy the “Old Masters” or Music exists to replay Bach over and over again.

Well…I guess if I’ve gotten anything out of tonight, it’s that I might actually have a chance at some of these jobs, at least in the future. I had been concerned with obtaining training in Computer Science: Information Technology was what I was overwhelmingly matched to, when I took a short assessment, tonight. Out of everything, it looks like what I can leverage most would be Web Development, Game Design, and Computer Programmer…

Or, that would be the interesting stuff. :) Well, Programming hasn’t really been that interesting to me, but I’ve never had a good class in it. HTML? CSS? I’m down with that. But that’s not programming; that’s markup and stylesheets.

I should add that I don’t know the mechanics (i.e. algorithm) of the assessment tool, so I probably should take its predictions with a grain of salt.

The thing is…I know a good deal about languages; human ones, I mean. The sheer opacity of technical language is…well, it’s a barrier. Possibly an intentional one. But human languages…I’m skilled with English, I can understand Spanish at times, and I’m interested in Japanese (and am learning to decode it by ear). That…sounds more like a linguistically-oriented person, to me. The thing is, much of my communication is through writing or media.

Which fits in well with the, “Artistic,” attribute I found pinned on me from the assessment. I also scored highly in, “Realistic,” and, “Conventional.” I don’t know where that came from; but maybe I would be a different person if I wasn’t harassed as a youth. I guess some of my habits are conservative (sewing, beadwork), but that doesn’t really reflect on my politics at all. What it does reflect on is concern over being forced out of a group for being different, which can cause a person not to acknowledge or express their difference. (Does fear of expulsion define conservatism?)

I did see job ads tonight which dealt with multimedia…which I’ve been wanting to get into, and may now be at a place at which I can. But do I need to understand how to edit video (.mp4), or should I be focusing on game scripting…? (The latter sounds more enjoyable, but the former opens more jobs.) I need to research more job ads, on this: I’ve been looking at Copyeditor positions, and that…looks very doable, to me.

It could be worth it to focus on translation, eventually…but that requires eventual facility in a language…and I’m still not sure where to learn Japanese beyond an introductory level, let alone where I can practice it.

Why was it that I originally wanted to learn Japanese? I know I was exposed to anime, manga, and video games…I also wanted to learn the roots of what had influenced me as a child. Hmm.

Anyhow…I seem to have calmed myself down. Maybe I can go take a rest, now…

career, LIS, organization, personal, planning

Languages

I made the realization the other night that all three of the courses I’m in have more or less to do with language acquisition. “Three,” I say, even though one of them is free — for now. XML is obviously a markup language (related to HTML); Japanese language is also obviously a language. In addition, I’m finding myself becoming “conversant” in the terms and ideas surrounding Subject indexing in an LIS environment. (I didn’t even know what the term, “Indexing,” referred to, prior.)

The course I’m in now in regard to indexing — that is, assigning Subject metadata — is one I needed to take when I was in Grad School, but didn’t. I was too focused on getting in and getting out before anything could happen to upend my life. I don’t think anybody expected this in 2020, but it could be — personally speaking — worse. Much worse. (There’s still time yet, you say. There’s always time, yet…until there isn’t. So I should value my time.)

If I hadn’t started my training in 2012, I would have had four extra years to play around with as regarded my schooling. However, as I entered the program early and then Withdrew, only to come back four years later…there could have been some complications with my Financial Aid. Retaking three core courses (as I would have been required to do) would have been nothing, but continued funding in the form of grants and student loans…no one told me what might happen, with that. And, of course, it would have been nice to have had an Advisor who could have told me (though I may have gone over that, before).

On top of it, my core course in Management was one of the most stressful I’ve ever taken; it was, largely, the reason I Withdrew. Several years later, I realized that I shouldn’t let one bad experience (even if it was a semester long) put me off of a gainful career. It’s the same thing that happened with Beginning Cataloging, which was also a terrible experience (along with trying to broach the problem in that class to a colleague at work, which was traumatic). I should note that it wouldn’t have been so terrible, had the instructors made efforts at cultural inclusivity, and had they had less pride invested in their ways; but they were unaware. The person I talked to at work, whom I had considered a mentor (though I don’t think they knew), didn’t care about my perspective.

For that matter, I was unaware for the most part that I was effectively an ethnic minority with ethnic-minority ideas in their classes, and that I was an ethnic minority at work (and that I was talking to people who may have been culturally White — appearances don’t infer the presence or lack of race-related hostility and bias [I’ve learned the hard way]), or I might have been able to account for my discomfort. But I’ve stated in the backlog of these posts that nowhere have I felt like an ethnic minority moreso than at University. That is to say, nowhere else have I felt so “othered” and alienated and excluded and not-understood, than at University.

But apparently, that’s what a person goes through for relative social mobility? Even if I expect discrimination and hostility and being passed over after graduation?

In any case…languages.

I’m almost done with my last reading for this week in Vocabulary Design, which is what I had been seeking (and did not find) within my Subject Analysis course (that is, how are subjects determined for any given information source?). Right now I’m trying to figure out if I actually do need any other courses from this source, aside from RDA — which, in turn, I might be better off taking someplace where my grade point average (and hence my privileges at University) won’t be impacted. (This is given that I didn’t do my best in Beginning Cataloging, which is a prerequisite.) At least…until I know what I’m doing with the material from Beginning Cataloging.

I have a couple of avenues to investigate, right now. My major issue is that my existing text (Cataloging and Classification, 4th ed., by Chan and Salaba) is …dense. And thick. And intimidating. It’s kind of hard to take in, honestly, given that it’s basically an instruction manual/reference source, and not an instructional text.

Not to mention that things have changed — a lot — since 2016, when it was published.

I have just realized that, for one thing, I can and should go over my saved “lectures” from Beginning Cataloging. I can also obtain texts which present the material in a way I can more easily understand. As a last resort (?) I can either subscribe to OCLC’s professional cataloging tool, using which, I can work out the problems in my old “lectures” (at least in the non-Dewey sections); or I can use the freely available information from the LOC. It seems like the latter should precede the former, however.

At least that’s recorded, now. I can flesh it out more later, as I get deeper into the work.

I haven’t been certain as to whether I want to set aside time (as in a work schedule) to get all of this stuff done. I still need to edit my Portfolio (to prepare for the day when I will apply for a job), as well as pay attention to both Vocabulary Design and the XML series. Japanese language also falls in there, though at this point, that is more of a welcome respite from technical material, and doesn’t really need to get done on any schedule.

Then there are the readings I’ve wanted to do — to finish Jump-Start Your Career as a Digital Librarian, and to read through Essential Classification. On top of that is reviewing my saved Beginning Cataloging lectures, to see if they make any more sense this time. Right now, I have 54 pages before the end of Rethinking Information Work, which maybe I should just finish. There are also some books which I found through the bibliographies in the latter, which might be interesting. Ah, and Elementary Japanese: Volume One, I’ve begun to work through. (It does boost my mood when I can understand what I read and hear.)

Other than that, I can’t think of much that actually needs to be done, aside from daily things — chores, hygiene, cooking, sleeping. (Let’s not forget, sleeping. I can forget sleeping, okay, let’s not forget sleeping.) ;P

For the past two weeks, my schedule has been off-kilter due to the heat and fires, which made it impractical to establish any sort of routine. Maybe now, I can begin to form some kind of order out of my time…

career, fiber arts, libraries, LIS, self care, writing

More of this. Is it a hobby? Is it important? What do I *want* to do with my time?

It’s so hard to get any project done when I keep changing my aims so frequently. And when there’s actual living to be had.

Right now I’m even wondering what the use is of getting my writing in front of people. Like, is it that important that people see it? And if so, is it that important to publish traditionally? Which is, basically, fraught with uncertainties, and usually doesn’t result in large returns. I think I heard in my Creative Writing program that if you send out 100 queries and get two back that aren’t flat-out rejections, you’re doing well.

If all I’m after is an audience, I can easily work that into a website, with a broader distribution. If I want to get physical books into peoples’ hands, there are ways to do that — through PDFs, through printers, through Print-on-Demand services.

Right now, though; I’m going through machinations without addressing the story itself. Why is it important to me to write — or to make public, what I write? Am I writing for myself? For my peers? To change minds? All of those options take different end forms.

Not to mention that I don’t have to make a profession of it, just because I was relatively skilled in it as a youth…I especially don’t have to make a profession of it, if I have a more expedient way of supporting myself.

My latest version of, “what to do with this story,” anyway, is to create a series of related short stories and/or prose and/or “comics” so they can be (potentially) published as a set — though that’s a long shot. Or, I could submit some stories to literary magazines. Also a long shot. And it complicates things if I want to publish everything as a set.

However, putting things into short-story format allows me some flexibility that is missing in longform prose. It would also be easier to make one or two stories into comics, or to just insert some illustrations, and leave it at that.

The major issue I’m having is wanting to do so many things, and being so disorganized that most of it doesn’t get done. I mentioned today in an offhand conversation that maybe I should be doing Fiber Arts. Why? I’m not entirely sure, but it has to do with color, line, needles, beads, knots, and piecework. Now what those things are going to get worked up into, I can’t tell, at this point. All I know is that I have the materials to make…and that there’s virtually nothing I can’t make with the skills — at least, that I would want to make.

It also means that I would be moving fully into Fiber Arts. I know from past experience that knitting is too slow and fiddly for me. Crochet is faster and more forgiving, but creates fabrics, normally, which are full of gaps. Gaps through which, heat can escape — meaning the fabric isn’t very practical.

Sewing clothing out of flat cloth (basically, making something 3-D out of a 2-D surface) is difficult, but interesting. And it allows me to modify patterns (and other clothing) to fit my own form (which would be useful, especially if it’s hard to find clothes that fit).

(It is.)

The major issue with sewing is that it tends to be more expensive and time-consuming than buying ready-to-wear clothing. But then you basically end up with custom garments.

That you may have to hand-wash. Drawback.

But if you resign yourself to hand-washing some things, it opens up the field, a lot.

And…yes, there is the inevitability of drawing blood when sewing, though normally it isn’t much. Just enough to make sure one keeps one’s materials and hands clean. But that in itself is a reason not to run a sewing circle at a Library: sanitation can’t be guaranteed. I just now assume I will pierce myself sometime, if I’m using either pins or hand-sewing needles.

Then there is quilting…which gets weird when you’re a beginner and don’t know why everything is so uneven. Even when I line up the seams. But I think anyone who has quilted, has ended up with weird first pieces. Which I’m on track to do. (Should I keep going and finish the messed-up square? Then frame it as my first messed-up square, because it marks a completion? Any completion?)

I had been looking into alternate job paths again…and I think I’m OK with not overly focusing on writing or editing (though I might do both on the side). It’s possible to work within what are called, “Technical Services,” “Collection Development,” or, “Acquisitions.” All three of these branches are related, and all three deal with materials before they reach the patrons — as versus being jobs that are on the front line dealing with patrons/customers/etc. They also all fall under a common subdivision of my association.

I still have to look further into it, but the point is that I don’t have to throw out my Information Science degree just because I’m not a, “people person.” It’s hard enough to deal with the public, without throwing in the fact that it’s not something I would do if I didn’t feel I had to (it is nice when I am able to help someone, which is most of the time) — but I’ve got to realize that I do have a choice about it. I’ve just got to find the right opening, and prepare myself.

Maybe I should talk with my boss about Cataloging. I have some back-knowledge from University, and I’ve taken several courses after that, to boost my skills (as, unfortunately, I didn’t take it seriously enough in University). She has worked in Cataloging, so she would know what it’s like. She also might know people who would give me a chance. I also have just taken a look at the upcoming Open University schedules…and have found a course which should help, if I want to move forward. I could apply starting on April 24.

Seeing how my other studies are going (Reader’s Advisory, Reference provision, Program Development)…hmm. I might do that. Becoming a Cataloging Librarian could happen. And it would keep me around materials, and away from the public.

Of course, then there are the professional tools that I may want to practice with, before acquiring a job. I’ve just bookmarked both of them…looks like they’ll run me around $850 (give or take) to subscribe to both for a year. The Public Library version of the tool — that, I know how to use. The Subject Analysis part of the tool, I don’t remember how to use. I last saw it in 2017, and didn’t realize what a gift it was to gain access to it. I’ve worked with the free version…which is doable. It’s just harder.

But yes, if I want to become a Cataloger, I should probably be studying this. There’s so much to know, that it would be good to be familiar with it. I believe that my prior failures in this area stemmed from lack of familiarity with the Schedules, and lack of familiarity with both the tools and the body of rules they stemmed from. I can study this.

I can, seriously, study this.

Of course, there’s also all the other Library-related material I’ve acquired over the last six months, which should keep me busy, if I can actually focus on it. Hope — hope, that’s always the thing that drives me forward.

Just — what will I do to relax? How can I not waste my time? There’s so much I could do… but what do I do?

beadwork, libraries, self care, work

Another weekend down. Now what?

Another day in the life of an underemployed part-time Millennial Librarian?

I keep hearing from people that now that I have an MLIS, I’m officially a Librarian…even though I just started my present Library Assistant job last year, have never run a program or done outreach, and…yeah. Well, I am getting good practice at Public Service.

I just did the math, and I’m almost 1/3 of the way to where I need to be, in order to pick up more responsibility at work (and have a stable branch). If I keep going at my current rate, I could apply to be a salaried Library Assistant (or a Librarian) approximately one year from the time I started picking up jobs. To become a Librarian would take some training, though, particularly in Library Programming and Outreach.

I’ve just done some minor digging about possible courses, and have found one that suits my needs. Unfortunately, one other course (Marketing) is not at all what it should be (self-marketing, as versus marketing services and programs), and the second…is going to be a huge amount of work, for a population on which I’m not focused. I’m intending to be an Adult — not Youth — Services Librarian. Taking an intensive tour-de-force through the YA section (and paying out of pocket for it, while simultaneously taking a pay cut because I can’t work at the same time as I study)…it doesn’t sound…enticing. I can do that on my own.

I also have the possibility of jamming that course into Summer Session, but…I don’t really want to. I already have my degree, I work in a Library system, and I’m good at self-educating. I also know that I don’t particularly…like to unnecessarily cram a bunch of reading into a limited amount of time. I have a life, u no.

To be hired as a Librarian in this system, though — I will have to be able to drive, by myself. I’m on my way to that, now. With all the trouble I’m giving them with not being able to shuffle at will from branch to branch now, I wouldn’t be surprised if they made Library Assistants have Driver’s Licenses as well, the next time they hire.

It’s starting to feel like I don’t know quite what to do with myself when I’m not at work. It’s unstructured time…and for a very long time, I have not had a lot of unstructured time. (I did graduate a year ago…but after that, I was searching and applying for employment while still an Aide, and after that, was in training; and working a lot, of my own accord.)

Today I was talking with a co-worker about trying to gauge how many hours I really wanted to work, or whether I should take a non-Library job in some area of interest, just for the experience (and not the money, which — if it’s in retail, at least — probably can’t compete with LA pay). Then there is the “hidden job market”…which I guess I’ll just have to go out and investigate. As well as applying for jobs in the Academic sector…which may be my best idea out of all of these, though for most postings I just saw, I don’t have enough experience. How they pay less than my current job, I also don’t know: I thought we were on the bottom end of the pay scale (but maybe that’s a rumor?).

I’m still not sure about what I want to do with the hours and the possibility of getting a second part-time job. I should have a better handle on it in the coming month — I signed up for a lot, so I can see how I tolerate it, and how I feel at home (like if I’m even able to relax; though I do have some decent breaks scheduled, as well).

In March…it’s sad. I have Jury Duty. So…there are at least one or two weeks where I won’t know how much I’ll be working. I can’t accept weekday jobs after Jury Duty starts, or I may have to cancel — and cancelling is a big deal in my system. I’m planning on not worrying much about work for that pay period, though that means I’ll need to tone down my spending. During that time, if I don’t have to go in to Jury Duty, I can practice my driving.

And…yeah. There’s a small window of time in which I should be able to sign up for the class I saw, but it isn’t for a while…it should give me something to do aside from work, though. Otherwise…maybe I can be reading? Or making jewelry or playing with watercolors, or embroidering, or sewing, or designing quilts, or something…

Exercising. Ugh.

Writing doesn’t sound bad…

I didn’t post when I restarted my micro-macramé stuff. But it has been restarted. I got sad about not doing anything with all the little colorful beads and cords. I’m sorry. They were so pretty and they were just sitting there… :o