color, craft, design, glass beads, macrame, occupational hazards, seed beads, spirituality

Beaded micromacrame yearnings

It’s early Sunday morning for me, now, and I’m coming off of a day of food shopping and eating, mostly. I feel like I should get back to the binder of training materials, but I haven’t wanted to spoil the day by filling an extended session of free time with work concerns which have taken up the majority of the week.

So…I just haven’t. I’ve actually been forcing myself away from dealing with it. I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.

I’ve wanted to get back to my beadwork/macramé, but there are a couple of things I know I need to address: 1) the fact that I might need to set up my easel to work (my macramé ergonomics are not great: I’ve been propping the board on my thigh), and 2) I feel like it would be time wasted. Though I guess I’ve earned the privilege of wasting some time.

I think there’s also a third level of something here, which is either trepidation or fear, and I can’t immediately tell why it’s there (except for the fact that I used to spiritualize the majority of my creativity, and just worked through it while freaking myself out).

I did spend some time, though, looking up what the colorants are in glass. Apparently, if I try looking for such online in regard to beads, I can’t immediately find much that’s useful, but once I start looking up stained glass, I start to get hits. It actually mirrors what I’ve been seeing in regard to crystal colorations.

It’s interesting. It also makes me wonder whether I actually have been working with serious “art supplies” all this time: metal salts, oxides, and sulfides are apparently widely used. I found some stuff on transition elements and rare earth metals. But I couldn’t get a good hit on this as it refers to beads. Seed beads are what I’m particularly after: most of these materials are intended for people 14 years of age and older…which obviously begs the question, “why?” (I think it may be linked to developmental concerns, which is why I didn’t make a bracelet for a small relative when she asked.)

However, apparently this information is hard to find because the glass formulations and treatments and coatings are trade secrets. So…yes. I can use the materials, it’s just maybe I’ll want to not eat while using the materials, and to wash my hands before eating, afterward. Even though the risk seems minimal. After all, the compounds are likely mostly locked in the glass, and I am usually not grinding the glass or inhaling it or swallowing it. If I did, I’d have more immediate concerns than poisoning.

I had been hoping that working with colored glass beads was in some way better for the environment than mining for stones, but at this point in time, I’m not sure that’s the case. Not least, because the components of glass have to be gathered and refined. It’s basically chemistry.

And I really, really so bad want to use the little Toho beads I got a really long time ago. I’m just having trouble in breaking out of the safety of an analogous color scheme.

It’s easy enough just to try. Why I’m afraid to, I’m not sure; especially when I can cut the work apart and recover the beads. The only thing I lose, then, is time and cord. And organization, I guess.

But, one step at a time. I need to get back to my handwork first, before I start criticizing myself about not taking enough risks. Over time, I’ve gradually taken more risks with color. My color sense should develop further as I work, though. When I first started out, I was really into hematite — grey and silver — which is not at all where I’m at, now. I do feel a little stuck, but I also need to start where I am.

career, LIS, self care, spirituality, work, writing

Grounding myself, collecting my thoughts.

I have been hesitant to get back on my computer, recently. It seems I’m getting less narcissistic, though something that came up in the composition of this post is purpose.

After having gone through an online Master’s program, I’m increasingly valuing my time away from the computer, and questioning how much computer use is ideal in my life. It’s why I accepted the offer of working for a Public Library just recently, in a Public Services capacity. This is as versus putting more energy into Web Programming.

I’ve learned a good deal about the psyches of my co-workers, and actually, even though people can be irritating at times, getting to know their personalities and why they like (and dislike) what (and whom) they do, is interesting. As well, the difference in worldview and outlook between lower-level support staff through paraprofessionals through professionals, is interesting. Although I don’t think I would get a PhD in Psychology, I’m just becoming more interested in the inner workings of people, as versus machines.

Maybe that’s a reason I became interested in the Humanities, in the first place. Way back, it was just easier for me to experience others through writing, than through interaction. I think I’m getting better at the latter, though.

If I were thinking about things in an alchemical sense, I believe math, logic, programming, and philosophy would be related to an Air element, while what I’ve been doing recently — with writing by hand, and dealing with crystals (which has gotten me interested in geology, chemistry, and physics again) — is likely related to the Earth element. For a very long time, I have had severe problems with grounding…or, in other words, I lived within my thoughts more than I lived in the external world.

In a case like this, avoiding the computer for other projects — like reading physical books (which I’ll have to do, as a Librarian) — it’s a step in the direction of reconnecting with physicality. I actually can say that’s pretty important, even though for me, it’s difficult.

It shouldn’t be: for almost all of recorded history, there was no Web to addict people, or to virtually replace peoples’ lives, or to escape into. But for most of my life, I’ve heavily depended on my intelligence, whether that was my intellect or my sense of spirituality. I also know that I need to continue reconnecting with physicality…like by helping more with food preparation, and getting out and exercising. And, maybe, dealing with friends, or with people I would like to be friends.

It’s possible that having an impact on my environment — via my work and via my social experiences — is helping erode the need to “publish” (or write with the goal of readership) all the time. Connecting better with my body and having greater self-knowledge, is likely another reason I find myself becoming more invested in offline life. I’ve been basically tied to the computer for two years…it’s probably not surprising that I don’t want to be on it all the time now, when I don’t have to be.

On top of that…there is, as I’ve mentioned before, risk to writing online. Well — there’s risk where it comes to anything online, really. At the point one realizes this, the question of purpose arises…why, that is, would I share parts of my experience online? And does the possible fulfillment of that purpose outweigh the risk? How much of it is social, and how much of it is purpose-driven?

On one hand, I know that I write to share parts of my life with others. Being able to explain what’s going on as it’s going on, both helps me remember what happened, and I think also has a normalizing effect on the situation and others like it (or at least, that’s the intent). I do believe that I started blogging, however, without a clear purpose or objective in mind. The exception is this blog, which I started as a companion to Ravelry (which I don’t use anymore).

That then turned to crafts other than knit and crochet, like sewing, beadwork, lacework. Over time, it then shifted to commentary on what I had to do for my school and my job, instead of what I did with my free time.

I see my free time decreasing in the near future, and moreso later, especially if I get a full-time job. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But it means that I’m seeing I will have to let go of a lot that I did while I had the luxury of extra time.

At that point…I begin to wonder about the core parts of who I am, and what I would take with me, if I had increased resources and decreased time.

One of those things…is the pen hobby. I now have a few fountain pens, which I love. It is a luxury — one doesn’t need expensive pens to write (although none of mine are too expensive: they’re entry-level). But it’s nice to have them, even if it does mean I need to use them frequently. Using them isn’t too much of a problem, when you have a habit of writing for release, or introspection. And when you want the act of writing to be pleasant or customized — or encouraged.

The other thing that I just got back into is mineral collecting, which ties into my mystic side. I haven’t been doing meditation recently, though I should be doing it: exercise and meditation together will reduce my dependence on medication, so that I have the option of going down on my dosage. I feel stable where I am; the only problem is the tendency to gain weight. That, in turn, pretty much forces me to exercise, which will further benefit my mental state.

What I have seen with this is the possibility of crafting a path which enables me to affirm my commitment to extending the time life has on this planet. I don’t believe it will be all straightforward. But it is possible to desire this. It’s also possible to pray for it, or to do spells for it. There’s no proof that will work, but maybe I have greater reach than I think I do.

There is a paradox in using materials extracted from the earth in an attempt to help heal it. The intent to use them to attempt to help the biosphere and its denizens is the reason I feel okay with it. Without that possibility, it’s just collecting; but if I’m going to be collecting pretty things, and not having a lot of time to work with them, maybe this is better than collecting glass beads. For some reason, it does soothe me.

My nature as a human is to create. It might be possible that prayers or directed energy (I don’t know how to describe it in words; all words I’ve known have fallen short) could be useful, even if the mechanics are unexplained.

I wouldn’t be surprised if other things come up in relation to my identity, as I continue to read and write privately. But it’s fairly clear that I have a motive of furthering peace, understanding and harmony, and working against hatred and bigotry. I place a high amount of value on my own integrity, which is why I work in a library system. I also realize the limitations of what I can do as an eventual Librarian, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take action in private.

In this case…it seems as though those goals — exercise, meditation, reading, writing, healing, creation — might be enough to gather around, and focus this blog upon. When I first started blogging as a youth, I don’t know that I had any unifying cause to establish the blog around. Nor did I have an evolved sense of what I was seeking online. I’ve continued in that sense for over twenty years; it’s time to take it to the next level.

I guess I’m just getting older, and thinking things through more.

spirituality, work

Continuation of last night: it’s Shungite, not Stibnite

…there’s a big difference. I remembered the name “Shungite” at random, after work today. Shungite is mostly carbon, and apparently safe. Even though Stibnite and Shungite are both steely gray-black and metallic in color, Stibnite has no fracture pattern, while Shungite fractures with a conchoidal pattern, like glass. The sample I have displays this. Shungite also has a much lighter specific gravity than Stibnite. The sample I have is very light. Amazingly light.

I am so relieved. I also am feeling apologetic for assuming my memory was accurate when I remembered the name, “Stibnite,” last night. I don’t know where else the term would have come from, though. Neither do I know why, if I hadn’t run across the term, I would have made up a term I’ve never heard before which refers to a specific actual mineral. Did I see “Stibnite” the other day and then the term stuck and got confused with “Shungite”? Was it labeled “Stibnite” and I got confused (but then the book did say “Shungite” and I recalled it was the same label as the stone)?

Gah. Maybe I should have taken pictures. :)

Anyhow, now I know that I’m safe, and that I can touch the other stuff that was in my purse that day! And my other stones aren’t contaminated! Awesome!

-_-;;

At this point, I’m glad I didn’t tell you all what store I went to. :) I don’t want to unduly impact their other patronage because of a mistake that was my fault. Sorry, guys. You all are sweet, and thank you for tolerating me. -_-/\

Coming up…I need to fill out my Master Application before tomorrow. There’s some other stuff going on with work which is doubtless, good. I should get back to reading more on dealing with difficult customer service situations, and be checking out the resources I’ll have at my disposal. I shouldn’t brag: nothing is set in stone. However, I’ll get to exercise more of my capabilities in my new position.

I’m also dealing with the possibility of finding a second part-time job. Having two part-time jobs may be the norm right now, though. I’m just not sure how much energy to devote to finishing my last position, to prepare for my new position, and to put towards finding another new position. I wouldn’t even be concerned with the latter right now, except that I’m dealing with a special service, and the opportunity arose.

So, we’re moving forward, I guess, though I probably won’t have much time to do anything until October.

It’s okay, I think. I’m a little nervous, but that’s probably normal…

philosophy, spirituality

Frustrations at the magyikal rock shop

Yeah. So you know I did go back to the rock shop today. Kinda embarrassed to meet the same salesperson as helped me last time. While there I touched a lot of stuff, looked over a lot of crystals, with no time limit. Of course, both M and D got tired and went to sit in the car while I made my selections.

This…I don’t know exactly why I do this. Actually, I do. I have a little Raven in me and get attracted to little sparklies that are supposed to be magic. I’ve also decided that if I’m going to be investing in things to make me feel like I have something, I should make sure it isn’t just colored glass. (Synthetic materials have different energetic profiles than actual stones, at least according to what I can feel.)

I did come away with a number of little colored stones. Unfortunately, one of these was Stibnite. At least, I think so. Stibnite, I found upon later research, is the same thing as Antimony Trisulfide. The primary ore of the metalloid Antimony. Antimony is toxic.

[[EDIT, 8-20-2019: I have since remembered the actual name of this material, and looked it up online. The material is “Shungite,” a carbon-bearing stone, not “Stibnite,” an antimony-bearing stone. Many apologies to the people who run this store! See more details in today’s post. I am leaving the rest of this post as-is to be honest about my folly.]]

Of course, there was a book at that store talking about how Stibnite (if I’m recalling correctly) was mostly carbon, and how to make potions using it (which I assume would be consumed internally; though I didn’t read that far into it, honestly).

I am wondering about the publisher of that book, now, or if there was an ulterior motive to selling it other than driving sales of Stibnite (most of which comes from China, I found on my Web searches). Of course, I’m also wondering if I really saw what I remember seeing, because that was utterly false and dangerous information. It’s also causing me to wonder whether that shop is on the level ethically; or whether the people running it just don’t know what they’re doing, or anything about chemistry or basic research.

And I wish I didn’t have to say that, but looking up “Stibnite toxicity” on Google — at least with my search history (your search history on Google alters your future search results, unfortunately) — comes up with a ton of sites on the first search, saying how highly toxic it is.

Yeah, so given that I was rubbing it on my fingers like graphite (because I thought, at the time, that it was like graphite — and it has a Mohs hardness of 2)…I’m not too cool with that, right now.

The bright spot is having a bunch of other crystals which are beautiful and which I may be able to use in the future, where it comes to meditation. I think. It’s been so long since I’ve done this that I can’t exactly remember how to properly use them.

My project had been envisioned to broadcast energy of healing and strength, roughly. Kind of like a metta meditation, but not Buddhist. Negative emotions are pretty much inevitable; falling victim to them, isn’t. In my mind, life can’t all be Heaven all the time, but we can keep it from becoming Hell.

I am having a little bit of solipsism driving me, as well: the idea that there’s a reason I’m looking out through this particular experience at this particular time — and is it because I’m supposed to do something?

Letting go of organized religion, that is, and not forcing myself to pretend to believe what a group believes, has left me with a sense of the positivity of my own resting space.

Life is a mystery…and even more mysterious when I stop trying to force obviously untrue explanations on it. I have not, however, gone to the point of disbelieving any non-naturalistic explanation, as that requires me to abstain from the possibility of affirming an explanation which might be plausible. (Just because some spiritual explanations are implausible, that doesn’t mean all are.)

I have more to say, but my medications are kicking in, and I’m not going to be able to think on this level for much longer.

As a note to myself, though: that light-colored blue stone (not gem quality) is rough Aquamarine. I know I’ll forget this if I don’t say that. The tiny green stone is a green Garnet — probably Grossular or Demantoid, though something called “Uvarovite” I remember from my book, which can be green. The “massive” (not by size, but manner of formation) blue-green stone in black matrix that looks like Turquoise, is Emerald; and the dark pink stone is Rhodochrosite. Everything else, I should be able to identify easily.

I should also mention that I did go to a bookstore today, and am somewhat surprised at all the dark magic books. Seriously? Coming from a life experience where I had to deal with dark emotions for a fairly long time, I can see it as a developmental step on the way to positivity…but in my case, it wasn’t a place to stay. It’s hard to believe in yourself, that is, when you think or know you’re wrong or lost. What I did read was not…something I could tolerate for long, or something I would go back to.

Of course, “dark” may basically mean, “not Llewellyn brand”, but I haven’t been deep enough into that particular scene, to know.

creativity, spirituality

Metaphysics and mineral collections

Earlier this week, D and I dropped by a local mineral shop. I picked up a gorgeous little pyrite and an agate sphere which looks like a planet. Today, I took the minerals off of the windowsill where they had been clearing in the sunlight, and got back into the box I have of little mineral specimens. That, in turn…has gone ignored for months, on the altar table which has also gone ignored, for months.

It’s been a while since I’ve dealt with minerals — especially, openly with the metaphysical properties of minerals. Although I hesitate to ascribe official meanings to minerals, stones, and crystals, I definitely feel a connection to certain specimens of certain stones. I’ve also felt those connections change. Whether that’s truly one-sided or vibrational resonance or what, I’m not entirely able to say.

Anyhow — the last time I dealt with people taking metaphysical properties of crystals seriously, it was in Hawaii (at a bead store which mostly sold gemstones). Historically, I’ve hesitated to ascribe metaphysical properties to my beadwork, as they’re unproven and generally taken on a basis of belief (or as selling points). The suspicion that metaphysical properties of gems are an economic ruse to generate perceived value; ecological concerns; and cost concerns; have been reasons I haven’t updated my stone collection (or my semiprecious bead collection) recently. Before this week.

It is a fact, however, that some stones do cause a primal response in me. I wouldn’t trust that I could untangle what all of these are, however; or whether any of them were more than subjective.

At one time I had an encyclopedic text called Love Is In the Earth (which has many additional pieces that go with it, which I never obtained) — this went over metaphysical mineral associations and/or properties. I must have sold it, however: I have not seen it on any of the bookshelves I’ve checked tonight.

What’s weird and/or interesting is that when I went into the box that contains my mineral samples, things felt different than usual. It’s like they cleaned themselves. Like they’re ready for me to feel them in my hand again. I’m thinking that it may have to do with my own clarity…

In particular, I have a wand that I bought maybe a decade ago, which I never used: both because of not being able to find a tradition I connected with in which I could use it, and because it just really did not seem to conduct my energy very well. I have two wands. One is alder wood with a quartz point; the other is pewter with a lead-crystal point. Whereas before, the alder wood felt active to me (like an extension of myself) and the pewter wand felt like a piece of tubing, I’m getting a feeling of conductivity from the pewter, now.

Could be nostalgia, or it could be something else.

I do think that it’s appropriate that it’s a Fire wand. I believe Alder is connected with Water. Of course, the four-element association is not universal (the Alder wand in particular may be given meaning by Druid tradition, if memory serves); but I’m thinking that I could take the best elements of the Fire that helped me through a dark time in my life (the will to live), and move forward that way, guided by myself and not so much by pre-established paths which don’t fit me.

Of course, now I’m sounding like a Chaos Mage, although I know not to randomly and constantly wish for stuff from the Cosmos, which is what the few Chaos Mages I’ve known (when I was about 25) seem to have been into.

I wonder if Chaos Magick is still a thing. Even when I was investigating it, they were shifting further underground…

I suppose Liber Null and Psychonaut (a foundational text for Chaos Magick) actually is here.

Not to mention that there are useful ends to wish for, at this point in history. Like, non-selfish ends. I mean, I shouldn’t consider casting self-crafted healing spells for the planet and its life and peoples to be offhand a waste of time (because I don’t know)…and it could help give me some self-guided spiritual direction.

That was what I saw in the little agate sphere…a reminder of the preciousness of this planet. Now I have three planet-looking spheres: a Rose Quartz, the Agate, and a black fiberoptic sphere which looks like a Gas Giant. (It was something my sibling bought online because it was advertised as “Black Materia” from Final Fantasy VII and we were silly that way. Of course, the Black Materia was actually a pyramid, but don’t tell anybody.)

I also feel the need to mention the fact that I’m reading a book right now which is trying to scientifically quantify a lack of empathy, which the author sees to be at times (though not all the time) associated with the capability for cruelty (not all the time, at least because one can have a lack of empathy and still wish harm on no one). I’m not sure what I think about it, yet, though after I get through with it — if I see it to hold water — I should post on it a bit.

Hmm. Then, there’s that whole Lightworker thing…which I mention because…a certain neural network just fired and it’s making me think it’s relevant. (I accidentally picked up a self-published Lightworker book also about a decade ago, without which I’d have little ground to even know what I am meaning, right now.) The point of Ascension (or failure to Ascend) just seems to be getting very much closer, and the stakes are getting higher.

I’ll keep the rest of what I have, on that…

creative writing, personal, planning, psychology, spirituality, writing

Feeling a little heartsick right now.

I know I should get some rest. What I’ve been doing is scanning WordPress while thinking about one of the first people I fell for — hard. This was never quite requited, in part because I was barely out of my teens when it happened, and the guy I was crushing on was 25 at the time. I mean, it basically would have been cradle-robbing if anything occurred. And I was too **** shy.

This was one of those local rock-stars who every woman in the area (even the lesbian ones), flirted with.

It was hard, for me.

I haven’t gotten in contact with him for a reason I probably shouldn’t share…and I’m wondering if I should use this experience as fodder for fiction. It would enable me to write out my emotions without saying too much that reflects on others.

My main problem at this point is trying to figure out from what time the story is told. It ties in with what I had been talking about before with being unable to distinguish reality from stuff one’s brain creates…I know that if I place the story early on in my protagonist’s life, they won’t have the perspective to know what’s going on. That means the protagonist has to be mature and looking back/reminiscing…but from when?

Also: in my own life, I’m being reminded of what happens when kind people suddenly enter one’s life. I may be dealing with a current crush there, too. I…just don’t know what to do about it when it happens. Or when this later person reminds you of earlier people who had the same trait that drew you…which sounds like an appropriate time to start the story.

Friggin’ bodhisattva magnetism…

career, creativity, self care, spirituality, technology

Creativity and awareness.

For the past three days, I’ve been having issues with lethargy, and late today I realized what may be causing it. Hopefully, tomorrow won’t be as bad. I’ve just been through a couple of days of early-morning work and an early-morning class…I need to prepare for this, better.

I did reach the point, yesterday, of becoming annoyed enough with the books and magazines and catalogs laying around everywhere, to put them away. At this point, I know that I do want to rearrange them. The major issue is the fear of not being able to find anything after they have been rearranged.

There is also the possibility of getting a long and low bookshelf. Because of earthquake concerns (I’ve lived through two major earthquakes: Loma Prieta [1989] and Northridge [1994]), the tall bookcase that I have, which has most of my books on it, isn’t in my bedroom. There is too much of a danger of it falling over, either onto the bed or into an escape route.

However, there is another reason the books aren’t here: it’s dust. Apparently, because I spend so much time in the bedroom (asleep), things collect dust quickly. This isn’t so much of an issue for the office, which is where I have a few bookcases in use…most of them are storing things I haven’t immediately used, however, like my Writer’s Thesaurus, and various anthologies from my undergrad degree.

A while ago, I did start going through things to figure out which books I really wanted and would use; but after filling a couple of boxes (and clearing a couple of shelves), stopped. Maybe I need to get back to that.

If I can clear a deep shelf, I can move the majority of my craft books, “to keep,” back down there. The issue is that most of them are too tall to fit on the shelf they’re on, currently. To be honest, I can’t even recall why I put them there, except to sort them away from their default position.

When you work in a library, you learn that location can be imbued with meaning. It is possible for me to use that space as a library, considering that the computer no longer has to live there, and that what is there is basically now an archive.

It would make sense for me to go through my images and work, though I think all of that stuff is already backed up to an external hard drive. I just don’t live in that room as much as I used to. I also do have a low (“altar”) table with floor pillows and the like, from the time when I was meditating.

I really don’t know if I’d like to get back to that; I’ve already been through the disillusionment thing with Buddhism (that being my realization that Buddhism is an organized religion run by people who have politics and faults, and that it may not be “true”), but I also have a non-denominational meditation book that I could deal with, if I wanted to. (I got it years ago when I read a bit of it at the library and knew I would want to read it, even if it got deleted.)

As part of my illness “recovery”, I am supposed to be exercising and meditating in order to reduce my dependence on medication, and abate some of the side effects. It’s been a long time since I could even think about doing that, however — I had to get through grad school. It’s also really a pain to sit seiza (on one’s knees) or in Lotus (half-Lotus?) position on the floor, for long periods of time. I suppose it does connect me with the past; I just don’t particularly know if it’s something I even want to be associated with, anymore.

Of course, this is me on the other end of over two decades of medication, and without a lot of the credulousness that I had, before it. It’s really clear to me that what I’m on quiets my mind, and seems to eliminate the need for creativity in trying to explain what’s happening. It’s very apparent, and has been, to me, that I move closer to an atheistic position when I’m on a higher dose of one medication in particular (which I’m on, now)…this being why I currently consider myself either a Pantheist or Panentheist, not Pagan or Buddhist. Hindu beliefs have been on the edge of my thought, but I’m not deep enough into studying them to particularly understand them wholly.

In any case…I probably need to explain Pantheism. Pantheism (not, “polytheism,” as the last person I tried to explain this to, assumed) is the belief that the Universe is divine and the body of the Divine. Panentheism believes that the Universe is the body of the Divine but that the Divine is also more. I don’t think too much about which camp I fall into, partially because it doesn’t really ultimately matter (reality and truth exist whether or not I acknowledge them); also because both sets of beliefs are pretty fringe.

But…I think this actually is the best explanation I can give for the way my mind works, when it comes to religion. I have more of a feeling of sacredness when I go into the mountains, than anything. It’s one of those, “this is beautiful and could easily kill me,” feelings. Definitely high-alert, definitely respectful. When you’re out someplace like in the Sierra, you know — or at least I’ve known — that if I die, it’s more than likely my fault (or the fault of someone with me, like when the idiot kids were rocking boulders in the talus pile) and not the wildernesses’.

As a kid, I wouldn’t get out into wild areas very often because family did not like being away from the comforts of civilization. Now that I’m older, I will have more of a chance to explore wild places on my own or with friends, but to be honest, it’s not something I seek. I don’t like putting my survival on the line for no reason.

Anyhow…one of the items on my altar table is a box with little tumbled stones and mineral samples in it. Sadly enough, this is about as close as I get to monoliths, right now.

There is also my little bunny fetish from when I was a kid. I was totally into bunnies as a kid. A “fetish,” in this terminology, is a stone that holds personal significance. Mine is a little black carved thing, from a Zuñi artisan whose name I’ve likely lost. However, given its source, and what I can remember, I believe it has been blessed.

I used to carry it around, which is what initially got me into fetish pouches, which is what got me into beadwork. But, back on topic: the rabbit fetish represents creativity.

Right now, I don’t know where I stand with that. I could activate and begin feeding and carrying this fetish again…but somehow that seems a bit creepy. :) Or metaphysical, at least.

I did read a couple of blog entries about not worrying about monetizing one’s passion (which, in this case, has been related to my beadwork). The reason I cleared off a great deal of the craft table is that I wanted to paint again…something I haven’t done in months, as I haven’t seen it as profitable. I didn’t know how to start, so I got out my “Dusties” box and started playing with graphite crayons and willow charcoal.

One thing I did learn: don’t be afraid to make apparently nonsensical details and unclosed lines when working abstractly. ;) They’re what make things interesting. :) I was also attempting not to fight the urge to follow the ghost lines that appear before I may trace over them.

On second thought, maybe I should be meditating. It may help me endure the terror I feel while creating long enough for me to actually make some things.

I’m pretty sure I want to use gouache in the near future, but I don’t entirely have a topic yet. Water, fire (or, “flowing things,” reminiscent of some Southeast Asian styles I’ve seen), and landscapes came up when I was working yesterday, though. Broken lines merge into negative space merge into organic overlaps. It happens.

And tools affect outcomes. Particularly, charcoal sticks are great at mark-making, but they can’t necessarily flood a page, and all of your color is black to grey.

I still need to test out my Sennelier Prussian Blue (transparent) watercolor against Daniel Smith Prussian Blue, the latter of which fades in intensity after months in direct sun. It will be weeks before I’ll see if there is any difference in permanence, though the sooner I swatch, the sooner I’ll know.

I’ve also realized that I should likely broaden my job search beyond the library field. The nature of what I’ve learned has applications in the wider tech and information fields, and though this is a bit terrifying, it means I have a potential way out of what is strictly the Library. Most people who are working…need to be creative in their job searches. I can do that, too.

There are several places where I can look for at least an interim job before dealing with libraries: fabric stores, bead stores, art supply stores, for three categories to start with. I’ve realized that my involvement with these things is okay, possibly even good, and may become useful.

It would also likely be good to continue on with my JavaScript course. I was looking over my books from my Library and Information Science program, and…I have a large number of tech-oriented books. If I want to be in a tech field, learning more technology is essential. It’s probably not wrong to be unsure at this point if I do want to be in a tech field…so long as I don’t let that stop me from doing what I do want to do, and trying out what might be helpful. If I hate it, that’s one thing; but personal uncertainty (do I want to be in Tech because D was in Tech?) is going to happen, regardless…