art, craft, design, libraries, LIS, seed beads, self care, work

The importance of weekends

Today marks the last day of my first experience of working a 40-hour week. As long as I take care of food, water, hygiene, breaks, and sleep, I can make it. I really just need to care for myself, physically. It also helps to have family to help with food preparation.

Now that I have two days to myself, I’m also wondering how to spend it. Not to reference “Phineas & Ferb” or anything, but it’s a legitimate question. I have a binder full of stuff I can read, I need to figure out if I have any potential benefits, and I can review my notes.

I can also get back to my macramé; my seed beads and cord have been sitting out here for over a week (though they aren’t dusty yet), and I have a better handle on my design process, now: try different things. You won’t know what it looks like, unless you try different things. In this way, an idea develops from a rudimentary stab at embodying a concept, into multiple versions and pathways that you won’t be able to experience without seeing and feeling (and making) them in hard form.

Just thinking about possibilities isn’t going to work as well (if at all). Those thoughts are the seeds. The trials are the work; the trials are how things develop into reality. Without that, it’s all dreaming; no production, no creating.

And it is okay to work in Decorative Art. I realize that, now; and I also wonder whether the idea that it isn’t okay, is due to my Literature training (Fiction writing, I’ve found to be conflict- and message-driven), and my training in Fine Art (where we were always looking for underlying meaning behind our images).

It’s also okay to make things with my hands that aren’t pictures. Seriously. Craft is not below Art. It’s just a concept and practice that overlaps Art, though as to whether it is truly a different or separable thing (to me), is something I haven’t yet resolved. I did, however, read that most ancient art qualifies as, “Decorative,” now…I don’t know if you can know how good that makes me feel; that I’m not alone or isolated in wanting to make beautiful things.

Best-Maugard’s book, A Method for Creative Design, has helped with my design process — and I find design applies in both Art (for me right now, drawing) and Craft (for me, beadwork). I recently was able to obtain a used copy for about $25. The only drawback is that it came along with a previously unmentioned scent of tobacco smoke, and light though loving wear.

Journaling has also helped me keep track of (and account for) my own thoughts, though I highly doubt it would be as calming or helpful, if I made it to publish. I’ve noticed that I love my fine Pilot Metropolitan with green-blue ink and my calligraphy-nib Pilot Prera with red-orange ink. They kind of automatically help me apply graphic design principles to my writing, along with encouraging me to write by hand. If fountain pens aren’t used regularly, that is — and especially with those two, which I may only think because I’ve had them longer — the ink inside the converter (I’m not using cartridges) evaporates and concentrates. That’s not my goal, especially as my green-blue ink can turn almost black, when that happens.

At this time, I’m just wondering about the possibility of working 40 hours normally. Would I be able to do it? I’m hoping that I get the chance to find out. First, I have to get through this training, which will last for approximately the rest of the month. After that, I have six months of Probation…though I’m thinking everyone expects that to be a learning period.

I am glad to get out of being an Aide, though, primarily because Aide work is so physical, and I’m no longer a young adult. My body can’t handle what it used to. I also have a lot more to offer than my physical strength, and eye for detail and pattern recognition.

It will also be awesome to be able to read things that aren’t textbooks, again. And it will relate to my employment.

What I’ve noticed is that it is an almost completely different experience to serve in the Children’s Area, than it is to serve in the Adult Area…though I should be able to reflect further on that, later this weekend (I intend for it to be here, but it may not end up that way). I’ve only spent two hours so far in hands-on training in the Children’s Area…I just, well, have become in a way acclimated to being around kids from working as an Aide in a Public Library for as long as I have.

The major thing I’m thinking of is that I’ve known my share of Aides who do not like to shelve, or when they do shelve, they only like to shelve the Adult and Young Adult areas. Due to the local climate of my old library, the Shelvers were faced with a dilemma every time they worked in the Kids’ Section, which I don’t find to be of personal benefit to go into; but let it be known that I’ve found that library to be a bit unusual, now that I’m no longer there.

I’m just really happy that I get to help the kids in a way I couldn’t, before.

Maybe I should have picked up more jobs at different libraries before even applying for a position as a Library Assistant, but I’m here now. Multiple people have told me that I can’t live in the past, and just to do my best, moving forward. It applies with ergonomics; it applies with regretting not having become a Library Assistant sooner; and it applies with certain mistakes I’ve made in my history. I just can’t linger over those errors for the rest of my life; I’ve seen that happen in other people, and I realize that it keeps them from developing beyond it. Reliving those experiences over and over again for years or decades doesn’t, actually, help solve the problems they present.

My present consideration — as regards work — is whether to opt for more time on the Kids’ Service Desk, just because it’s more difficult, or whether to take the easy way out and stay mostly in the Adult section. I don’t know, that is, whether my Manager rewards risk-taking and growth (doing the hard stuff so that I can learn), or comfort and success with what’s already known (stepping a little out of my comfort zone, but minorly so; easing into the work). I might want to consult with her, on that; though I never have intended to be a Children’s Librarian.

It’s just a very, very different experience between the two Service Desks. I also know that most of the entry-level Public Librarian openings I’ve seen, have to do with Youth, Teen, or Children’s Librarian positions. I can’t do that without having experience working with kids; but, having experience in that area may qualify me for further work, there. Now do I want that?

I’ll have the opportunity to find out, won’t I? :)

As a final note, my Career person has told me that it’s hard to get a job just because you’ve taken classes in the subject. So I shouldn’t say that my MLIS was the end-all and be-all of being a Librarian; in fact, it was only the beginning, in a way that my current training is only the beginning. I’ve been told that it can take 6 months to become truly comfortable with Reference.

I…just think I am lucky to be working with such nice people. I’ve also found that there are many people around me who are in similar situations to my own.

It’s helping me.

self care

In which I get nothing done but caring for myself

I’m pretty sure you can see here that I didn’t do anything this weekend…well, aside from playing with pens. I had started to psych myself out over the new job (starting tomorrow), so I took a much-needed rest, instead of going out to buy things, and to the street fair. Yes, that means I might still have to buy new shoes, but I have an idea of what I want, weekends happen, and the other shoes will work in the interim. It might even be better this way, because I’ll have a sense of how long I’ll need to be on my feet.

I also took a shower while the sun was still up, washed and conditioned my hair, and…well, just basically took care of myself. I have a copy of the tentative schedule for the next three weeks, and it doesn’t look like it will be too hard — despite what I had heard. While I do still need to re-pot this poor Leaning Tower of Umbrella Plant in my room (I have the soil, the pot, the gravel — just haven’t made a day to lay down the newsprint: we don’t get a newspaper anymore, so I have to cannibalize my huge drawing pads)…it’s looking okay for the next week, or so. Or until the pot tips over. One or the other. :)

We’ve also been doing a lot of cleaning, which I might have mentioned — so things are looking fairly nice right now. I also found my missing piece of mail from work (I remembered where it might have been, last night in bed), so that’s good.

I was able to re-purpose my IKEA bag into a holder for my A5 notes (though I may want to sew my own pack, eventually), and I tried the Maruman filler paper with Uni-Ball Signo pens (I have a bunch of these from when I was thinking of cartooning with them). The setup works great: I can write on the front and back of each page. The only drawback is having to travel 45 minutes away to get another 100-page refill for the Maruman (my normal place online, doesn’t stock this exact brand — I’d have to get another 20-hole A5 paper, and I don’t know if that will fit my binder).

It’s pretty much been a quiet, peaceful, beautiful day, which contrasts with what came before it.

I didn’t mention…when I got my shitajiki (pencil board) the other day, I also got to try out a LAMY Al-Star fountain pen. I filled it with Iroshizuku Tsutsuji (Azalea) ink using a converter, and so the majority of last night was spent practicing writing with all of my different fountain pens, trying to suss out the differences in feel and design.

I believe the LAMY is better suited to cursive writing. By that, I mean that it takes a bit of pressure to get a non-hairline mark on smooth paper…compared to the Pilot Metropolitan, the Pilot Prera, or the TWSBI Eco, though; you do have to press down. I believe this is better designed for leaving the nib down for an entire word than any of the other three. It may be self-explanatory, but TWSBI is a Taiwanese brand, Pilot is Japanese, and LAMY is German. There are some very different writing habits contained, there!

As regards my writing style, as well, I’d say I prefer the Metropolitan. I have a Fine nib version of this, which was really my first fountain pen. Because its nib is stiff and very fine, I get a good amount of feedback as to how hard I’m pressing. It takes some getting used to, to get the nib to glide over the paper, but I’ve got it down now. The bright point to the Metropolitan is that it’s extremely precise, so if I’m printing — as is my normal handwriting style — it’s really good. It looks incredibly sloppy with my cursive hand, though — just because it does show that precision (or lack of it)!

In contrast with that, the LAMY Al-Star and the TWSBI Eco are better suited to cursive writing. I’m not sure how much of this is due to the wider footprint it makes on the page; my TWSBI is a Medium, as is the LAMY. I also haven’t used the TWSBI or the LAMY anywhere near as much as my Pilot Metropolitan (I can’t even remember how long ago I got the latter — it wasn’t online, so I’d have to dig up a paper receipt), so it could be that the Metropolitan’s nib has just been polished down from use. I do recall that it used to be scratchier. It’s a really great workhorse pen, for either English or Japanese writing (though note, I’ve only relatively recently broken into kanji).

I also may have messed up my TWSBI right out of the box by trying to remove the nib and feed (TWSBI encourages tinkering, so of course I had to disassemble the thing) — I had pen skipping until I took out my loupe and saw that the feed was misaligned with the nib, from where I had twisted it (but not removed it: too scared to do that). Once that was straightened out, though, it wrote well.

As a note: the TWSBI feed and nib are looser when they’re wet. But I wouldn’t encourage trying to remove it without knowing what you’re doing; I was just lucky that I recalled what I did and was able to fix it (I still am not sure if I damaged the feed or not: it may have cracked, but that’s not affecting its performance, to my knowledge).

Because my Pilot Prera is a stub-nib pen (its tip is flat), it’s the scratchiest out of any of the four I have now. It does work with either print or cursive, and for me, the writing comes out looking nice. I try to keep the nib at about a 45° angle to my baseline when I’m writing, but I’m pretty much not doing any intentional italic hand. One’s angle of approach does matter with this nib as well: it’s smoother working on a table as versus leaning back, that is!

It’s interesting to work the stub nib with a contrasting ink — I’ve been using it with Pilot Iroshizuku Fuyu-gaki (Winter Persimmon) ink, which is basically a red-orange. Contrasting that with the Fine Metropolitan loaded with Iroshizuku Ku-jaku (Peacock, basically a dark blue-green), has been pretty sweet. They’re really good complements to each other. The reason I even tried the wider nibs, though, is that I would like to see more shading than within that needle-thin line provided by the Metropolitan Fine nib. Using the Ku-jaku in the Prera, does provide some nice shading. I haven’t yet tried the Ku-jaku in the TWSBI, and probably won’t, in the LAMY.

I’ve been sticking to the Iroshizuku inks for the Pilot pens because I’ve read that other inks may tend to clog them up. This is also the reason why I’ve branched out to the TWSBI Eco and the LAMY Al-Star. I really am not certain I’d buy another LAMY, just due to my handwriting style contrasted with the springiness of the nib, and the need to put pressure on it. I don’t like to bear down on my writing instruments…which is probably a good thing to take note of before trying a flex-nib pen, like Noodler’s Ahab. (I almost tried it, then backed off.)

So basically, I like the Pilot and the TWSBI, though at least for now, the Pilot’s nib (on the Metropolitan, the first of my fountain pens) is smoother. The real nice thing about the TWSBI Eco is that it has a fairly gigantic ink reservoir in comparison to either the Pilot or LAMY converters — though that isn’t necessarily a great thing if you don’t like the ink you loaded. Right now it’s full of Yama-budo (Mountain Grapes) — a reddish purple — though I’m thinking of switching to a bluer violet, in the future.

Though, actually, having retrieved the LAMY just this moment…the fact that the nib does flex, means I have some minimal thick-to-thin differentiation in my lines, depending on pressure (as versus angle). This is on a Bee Paper, Pen Sketcher’s pad. I’m not even sure they make these things anymore, honestly…

I can keep flexible nibs in mind, for the future. For now…I should get some rest. Early morning, tomorrow.

art, craft, seed beads, self care, technology

Taking account: Humanities/Social Sciences/Arts/Crafts…yeah,

I’m not a Hard Sciences person, and I shouldn’t try to be one for the sake of being like my dad. I’m not him.

Today, instead of JavaScript training, it’s back to tiny tiny beads for me, and macramé. Micromacramé. Nanomacramé? ;) I have been using size 11° seed beads, 3mm Czech fire-polished beads, and C-Lon Micro, which are all very tiny, and kind of made for each other.

I didn’t even realize before breaking back into my 11°s that they’re basically about 2mm across. Using a pattern that looks like a macramé version of Daisy Chain (without the roundabouts), I’ve been able to tinker my way to a smaller version of what I was working on last with standard C-Lon and 8° beads. I don’t know if I’ve posted images of it here, yet — or if that was on an alternate blog (which is down, for now).

Right now I’m not even sure as to whether I should go back to Photoshop. I think I would post a lot more images if it were easier to modify them…though what I’m using now has a lot of options (and likely more technical options than at least PS Elements), it isn’t the most intuitive program. Its UX isn’t great.

I’ve been reading Adolfo Best-Maugard’s A Method for Creative Design (first published in 1926). It’s been interesting, though at this point (30 pages from the end of the book), I don’t think I’ll purchase it. There is some interesting content, but the book is based on a pretty idiosyncratic viewpoint which I’m not sure I buy into. I mean, it’s interesting to read, but whether I accept the author’s argument is something else.

There’s also this thing about the context of the late 1800’s and early 1900’s that seems to resonate with me. I wouldn’t be surprised if the author was influenced by Spiritualism, which was active around the same time period. Both reflect a desire to seek out what is common between all the world’s peoples, at an early stage of globalization.

Best-Maugard essentially analyzed world or “primitive” art and broke down many of the designs he found into simple constituent elements which could be rearranged into various two-dimensional representations. What’s disappointing for me about this book is that it seems he is only teaching a method based on one form — the spiral — meaning that there is a lot more that he holds back. I would have preferred a longer edition with fewer drawings, explaining or demonstrating further these other primitive forms. As it is, I haven’t so far seen him speak about the latter; only that they exist, and that he isn’t going into them.

Anyhow: as much as I appreciate the fine arts, and love the color mutability possible in painting…painting isn’t easy for me at this point. I’ve been attempting to get back into it…but for some reason…flowers aside, I’m not drawn to common subjects, like portraits or landscapes or figures. I just don’t see the point. I can appreciate art made with these subjects, but it’s not my art.

That could be me coming from a writer’s background, too. In writing, conflict and tension are the main drive behind the narrative: in fine arts, it seems people reproduce (or create) the placid and agreeable a lot of the time, and I haven’t been able to reconcile these two modes or methods.

One of the things that has struck me is that it’s possible my native method is more lexical; as stringing different colors of beads on colored thread and tying those threads together, echoes the form of language or parallel processing. It’s just a thought: I’m not even totally sure about it yet.

But one thing I realized today is that I really did not want to get back to my JavaScript training. I got to my course, looked at it, and decided to do something else. I know I focused on Digital Services in school, but I think the experience of training under that method has made it clear how little I like to interface with computers in computer-language. It’s not quite arcane; it’s more binary.

And the beads were staring me in the face (I bought maybe 14 little 7.5 gram vials recently: no point in getting a whole lot of any one color when I hadn’t seen them), and I had bought a lot of tiny C-Lon, so I just went and got the stuff out. No reason to get the stuff if I’m never going to use it.

For some reason…dealing with beads and cords and color…it’s relaxing. Whereas work on the computer is more often than not, tension- and anxiety-inducing. Not to mention that it’s likely in the process of destroying my eyesight.

Before going to an online Master’s program, I thought it would be OK to be on the computer more. But being intensively on the computer for 6+ hours a day is something I don’t think I could tolerate.

But really, the Digital Services path only really determined seven to eight classes out of the twenty I took.

Yeah, I guess that’s a lot. Like, a third.

Maybe what I need is really to decompress and stop taking classes for a bit. It would be ironic if taking these classes taught me that I didn’t like the subjects the classes were about.

It really wasn’t too bad, until I took Database Management and Fundamentals of Programming. Then…I was like, “what did I get into?” I also don’t have a Computer Science or IT background (or even a Hard Sciences one after high school, although I still love Geology and Astronomy), so I’m at something of a disadvantage in the digital field. I know that if I want to stay current in Web Development, it will take constant acquisition of new skills to keep up with the pace of technological change. I’m not sure that I care enough to actively choose to do that for the rest of my life.

Maybe that’s why the people in those positions get paid so well.

At this point, I’m clearer that I am a Humanities and Social Sciences person, although I don’t think Sociology is where I want to be. I attempted that for a couple of years in my undergraduate training. It was depressing.

Psychology was easier and more engaging, but I never really went deeply into it. History was amazing — particularly World History. I loved that: being able to fit pieces of thoughts together into a coherent image. I also loved Ethnic Studies, even though I took classes just different enough from my own position to be able to expand my view. Though I somewhat regret not having taken Japanese-American Literature, I also know that I’m immersed enough that nothing in an undergraduate class on it would have been new to me.

I also regret not having bitten the bullet and taken Japanese Language & Literature as my undergraduate major. I don’t regret having honed my English writing skills, but I am irritated that people devalue good writing so much. There is also the issue of being able to ever find work or a way of being in Japan in which I wouldn’t be exploited, being a dark-skinned female (kokujin, or “black person,” is still an accepted term in lieu of amerikajin, even if the “black person” is also “American”) with no plans on marriage or children…but yeah, insider stuff.

It was likely my experience with my birth family — and trying to be included in an Asian clique — which caused me to lean against learning Japanese language, though.

I could get further into that, but I won’t.

In any case…I’ve been finding people just kind of randomly on the Reader who do things that no one else does. Like the person who paints silk scarves, or the person encouraging me in tatting. There are a few of us who do regularly post on beadwork, but not many. I get many more “Likes” on my painting posts than on my beadwork posts…but that doesn’t mean I should work on my painting, instead.

Seriously. I think more people can just connect with painting, whereas bead weaving or beaded micromacramé is relatively niche (which is a good thing so far as niche markets are concerned, but)…

It’s just kind of tough to be disconnected. I should probably go out of my way to join a beadwork forum or two, though as my specialization is beaded micromacramé at this point…yeah, that’s…that’s kind of special. (I was inspired with the macramé bug by someone working with cords and gemstones, though what I do is much different from their work.)

I wonder if giving resources would help others get involved in the hobby? I’ve been reluctant to do so, for my own reasons…

career, LIS, self care, spirituality, work, writing

Grounding myself, collecting my thoughts.

I have been hesitant to get back on my computer, recently. It seems I’m getting less narcissistic, though something that came up in the composition of this post is purpose.

After having gone through an online Master’s program, I’m increasingly valuing my time away from the computer, and questioning how much computer use is ideal in my life. It’s why I accepted the offer of working for a Public Library just recently, in a Public Services capacity. This is as versus putting more energy into Web Programming.

I’ve learned a good deal about the psyches of my co-workers, and actually, even though people can be irritating at times, getting to know their personalities and why they like (and dislike) what (and whom) they do, is interesting. As well, the difference in worldview and outlook between lower-level support staff through paraprofessionals through professionals, is interesting. Although I don’t think I would get a PhD in Psychology, I’m just becoming more interested in the inner workings of people, as versus machines.

Maybe that’s a reason I became interested in the Humanities, in the first place. Way back, it was just easier for me to experience others through writing, than through interaction. I think I’m getting better at the latter, though.

If I were thinking about things in an alchemical sense, I believe math, logic, programming, and philosophy would be related to an Air element, while what I’ve been doing recently — with writing by hand, and dealing with crystals (which has gotten me interested in geology, chemistry, and physics again) — is likely related to the Earth element. For a very long time, I have had severe problems with grounding…or, in other words, I lived within my thoughts more than I lived in the external world.

In a case like this, avoiding the computer for other projects — like reading physical books (which I’ll have to do, as a Librarian) — it’s a step in the direction of reconnecting with physicality. I actually can say that’s pretty important, even though for me, it’s difficult.

It shouldn’t be: for almost all of recorded history, there was no Web to addict people, or to virtually replace peoples’ lives, or to escape into. But for most of my life, I’ve heavily depended on my intelligence, whether that was my intellect or my sense of spirituality. I also know that I need to continue reconnecting with physicality…like by helping more with food preparation, and getting out and exercising. And, maybe, dealing with friends, or with people I would like to be friends.

It’s possible that having an impact on my environment — via my work and via my social experiences — is helping erode the need to “publish” (or write with the goal of readership) all the time. Connecting better with my body and having greater self-knowledge, is likely another reason I find myself becoming more invested in offline life. I’ve been basically tied to the computer for two years…it’s probably not surprising that I don’t want to be on it all the time now, when I don’t have to be.

On top of that…there is, as I’ve mentioned before, risk to writing online. Well — there’s risk where it comes to anything online, really. At the point one realizes this, the question of purpose arises…why, that is, would I share parts of my experience online? And does the possible fulfillment of that purpose outweigh the risk? How much of it is social, and how much of it is purpose-driven?

On one hand, I know that I write to share parts of my life with others. Being able to explain what’s going on as it’s going on, both helps me remember what happened, and I think also has a normalizing effect on the situation and others like it (or at least, that’s the intent). I do believe that I started blogging, however, without a clear purpose or objective in mind. The exception is this blog, which I started as a companion to Ravelry (which I don’t use anymore).

That then turned to crafts other than knit and crochet, like sewing, beadwork, lacework. Over time, it then shifted to commentary on what I had to do for my school and my job, instead of what I did with my free time.

I see my free time decreasing in the near future, and moreso later, especially if I get a full-time job. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But it means that I’m seeing I will have to let go of a lot that I did while I had the luxury of extra time.

At that point…I begin to wonder about the core parts of who I am, and what I would take with me, if I had increased resources and decreased time.

One of those things…is the pen hobby. I now have a few fountain pens, which I love. It is a luxury — one doesn’t need expensive pens to write (although none of mine are too expensive: they’re entry-level). But it’s nice to have them, even if it does mean I need to use them frequently. Using them isn’t too much of a problem, when you have a habit of writing for release, or introspection. And when you want the act of writing to be pleasant or customized — or encouraged.

The other thing that I just got back into is mineral collecting, which ties into my mystic side. I haven’t been doing meditation recently, though I should be doing it: exercise and meditation together will reduce my dependence on medication, so that I have the option of going down on my dosage. I feel stable where I am; the only problem is the tendency to gain weight. That, in turn, pretty much forces me to exercise, which will further benefit my mental state.

What I have seen with this is the possibility of crafting a path which enables me to affirm my commitment to extending the time life has on this planet. I don’t believe it will be all straightforward. But it is possible to desire this. It’s also possible to pray for it, or to do spells for it. There’s no proof that will work, but maybe I have greater reach than I think I do.

There is a paradox in using materials extracted from the earth in an attempt to help heal it. The intent to use them to attempt to help the biosphere and its denizens is the reason I feel okay with it. Without that possibility, it’s just collecting; but if I’m going to be collecting pretty things, and not having a lot of time to work with them, maybe this is better than collecting glass beads. For some reason, it does soothe me.

My nature as a human is to create. It might be possible that prayers or directed energy (I don’t know how to describe it in words; all words I’ve known have fallen short) could be useful, even if the mechanics are unexplained.

I wouldn’t be surprised if other things come up in relation to my identity, as I continue to read and write privately. But it’s fairly clear that I have a motive of furthering peace, understanding and harmony, and working against hatred and bigotry. I place a high amount of value on my own integrity, which is why I work in a library system. I also realize the limitations of what I can do as an eventual Librarian, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take action in private.

In this case…it seems as though those goals — exercise, meditation, reading, writing, healing, creation — might be enough to gather around, and focus this blog upon. When I first started blogging as a youth, I don’t know that I had any unifying cause to establish the blog around. Nor did I have an evolved sense of what I was seeking online. I’ve continued in that sense for over twenty years; it’s time to take it to the next level.

I guess I’m just getting older, and thinking things through more.

creativity, design, fiber arts, jewelry design, self care

Difficulties in creative process (expected and not)

Last night, I had the opportunity to think out loud about what’s stopping me from moving forward with creating. I was aware that I am very good at divergent thinking — that is, developing and imagining many options that I could do, and preparing to do them. When it comes to narrowing down those many options to focus on an end product, I’m not as great.

This is probably the biggest main challenge I have to deal with where it comes to making, and it has to do with process. It’s easy for me to envision an initial end point (or multiple possible end points); where it comes to favoring one and then also being willing to relinquish it by actually starting and moving through the different stages of construction (which rarely ever reach that same end point), I have some issues.

I know that if I start, that is, I’ll have to give up the “perfect” idea that I had at the beginning, in favor of something I haven’t yet imagined. I find it likely not different from a young bird launching itself into flight; on a branch, there’s something to grasp, or hold onto — this being the dream, or the original idea. When you’re in the air, you have to keep beating your wings to keep flying, you’re not anchored, and you’re constantly having to respond to new challenges arising. You may reach the place you originally intended to go, or you may decide that there’s a better place to stop, on the way.

Part of trying to deal with anxiety around this is lowering the stakes, such as by opting first to try mounting a stone with fiber instead of with precious metal. Today I started trying to work a macrame mounting for my Amazonite cabochon (I will try and get some images in before long). There are a number of things that I learned while doing that.

First off, I’ll want to use my heavier weight C-Lon (0.5 mm diameter) in order to avoid tons of tiny and barely visible knots with the C-Lon Micro. Also, again, I find that I need to work on my tension. The people working the knots in the videos I saw were actually keeping their tension much looser than I was. They were also spacing the knots out, more…and, I find, I’m not putting the cross-bar of the lark’s head hitch into the same spot all the time. That means that some knots are way looser than others, and also that the knots are misaligned.

That may be helped by trying to soften the C-Lon up a bit before trying to knot with it. I’m thinking of running it along the side of an awl to try and break up the stiffness. I’m not sure it will work; I just don’t want to do it with the back of a scissors because I’m concerned about curling or damaging the fibers rather than just breaking up any bonding between the fibers. I know this stuff can get softer, because it’s really soft after I’ve picked a knot out of it. So it can be soft. If I can get it there, maybe it will flow better.

I also found that I’ll need to make the bezel wider than previously expected, though that may not be an issue. Too loose, and the stone may slip out (maybe), but too narrow and it’s an unusable ribbon. As well, as the knotting progresses, it’s extremely easy to unintentionally narrow the bezel, by using tension that’s just too tight. Once that’s done, it’s easy to unintentionally continue to use tension that’s just too tight.

To an extent, minor unevenness in tension (like among a couple of strands) may work itself out when tying on and tightening the bezel at the endpoint…but I haven’t gotten that far, yet. I can also tweak the tension and recover my width by pulling on my anchor cords, but that snugs all the knots together (which is not what I want, as it hides the stone).

The other major thing that I have to deal with which puts me back from starting, is my tendency to perfectionism (which you can see in the fact that I actually noticed the detail of the cross-bar of my lark’s head hitches not all being in line). I know that perfectionism can stop someone from beginning. I heard yesterday that the quickest path to perfection is not to aim for perfection. Because working is the only way of getting better: if you never begin to work, you never get better. Your skill level never increases, which is intangible; but matters as a benefit, in this case. It’s growth and production, versus stagnation and lack of production.

My issue, I think, is that perfection is not possible, so aiming for perfection is to aim for the impossible, and instead of attempting to attain the impossible and be met with inevitable failure, sometimes we just tend not to try. The latter is what I’m combating, though maybe I just need to lower my standards to something attainable.

There’s also the fact that I could just be unsure as to whether my flight feathers have grown in yet.

Perhaps, I could recognize that these will be my first two macrame bezels ever, so it’s unlikely that they’ll come out as though machined. On that point, it’s not even desirable to aim to have a final product that seems machined, so I’m questioning right now what exactly it is that I’m desiring.

On that point, I’m not even sure of the exact design of what is going to flow out of the pendant — and I won’t be able to tell until I can figure out what connection options I have. I can’t tell those, until I’ve constructed a preliminary bezel. Which is why I started trying to do so, tonight.

What’s happening right now, is research. I probably should be gentle with myself and not expect perfection. But at the same time, I should push myself to at least try to do something.

jewelry, metalsmithing, self care

18g earrings back in. Reconsidering metalsmithing. Procrastination or overwork (I’m not sure which).

Not much of note has happened in my life, recently. I did, last night, put in my 18 gauge earrings, which are basically circles of surgical steel wire. Because they’re so thin, they tend to deform rather than accept the (tiny) bead that is supposed to help them close. I realized last night that I didn’t actually need the bead for something this small, and just threaded them in and pinched them so that they wouldn’t fall out. I should have about six weeks before I know for a fact that I can increase the gauge. So I can go up to 16g on the 25th of August, or later; assuming I don’t take the 18g rings out, until then.

A long time ago, I did think it was OK to “gauge up” early (given that I’ve gone up and down in gauge ever since I was first pierced), but at this point I’m more reserved about it. For some reason, the piercings aren’t at the same level of looseness or tightness all the time…sometimes a scar will tighten for no foreseeable reason. When that happens, the piercing is fragile and vulnerable to microtears, which can lead to oozing or bleeding. That can further damage the piercing, if shards of dried fluid are pulled through when the ring is loosened. The last time that happened to me, I realized I had to take the larger wire out and put in a thinner one, so I wouldn’t inadvertently heal in a deformation. Then I had to wait for the piercing to heal sufficiently.

I’ve read to treat an expanded piercing just like a new one, but I think (at this point) that these two states aren’t exactly the same. If I had, for example, soaked the piercing in salt water twice a day before attempting to loosen the ring (as is recommended for fresh piercings, though that’s not medical advice), I wouldn’t have dragged dried blood through a tender site (which caused the pain that caused me to realize I had a microtear. I’m still not sure, however, whether it tore before and I didn’t notice it, or whether it tore when I felt the pain). Having had the piercings the first time was not really similar to letting them shrink down, and then re-opening them later. Had I not started at 14g (and then never gone above that), gauging up really might have been more similar to having a new piercing.

Also, the piercings I’m talking about are just basic earlobe piercings, not cartilage or body-type things. Because it’s easy for employers here to discriminate in hiring based on the number of piercings they can see on a person…there are reasons not to have too many.

Yesterday, I had the chance to wear earrings with standard posts, again: they were basically studs shaped like flowers. I had the misfortune of almost losing one…which meant that I had to pick up an earnut off the floor, then wash my hands, then wash my ear, then wash the earring…though the positive thing is, I realized I wasn’t too attached to it.

In contrast…my biggest hesitation about expanding my piercings has had to do with commitment. As for why it is that I keep taking my larger-gauge jewelry out, I think it has been because I wanted to wear the jewelry I had made before, which mostly has earwires between 22g and 18g. I also haven’t wanted my piercings to migrate because of using too fine a gauge in too large a piercing (though I’m not sure that would even happen). There’s nothing else I can think of which would be a reason.

It would probably be an easier decision for me if I were not a beadworker. To make jewelry for large-gauge piercings, I would basically need to move into metalsmithing. It’s not like it would be difficult, at least to make something like a ring, or a tunnel or plug (if I could find safe silicone o-rings). However…if I were to make anything more major, I’d be dealing with forging, and I’m not sure I have a torch strong enough to work with thick, solid metal.

I also only have the ability right now to work in silver, brass, or copper; most of the large-gauge jewelry I have, in contrast, is surgical steel. Moving into that means moving into blacksmithing. The addition of iron makes the process of forging…different. And I don’t know how to do it.

However, there are at least two or three local places that I know of (Silvera Jewelry School, the Richmond Art Center, and The Crucible), in which I could use more powerful torches than I have access to, here. I would basically have to drop into a lab, though.

Or, I could just resign myself (for now), to buying earrings, and using beadwork skills for necklaces and bracelets or anklets.

Not that I’ve made much jewelry at all, recently; I’ve been focused on lace. It is trying to devote time to this, however, where I have other things to be doing (for now), which are more important: like preparing for job interviews or searching for openings or building my LinkedIn account. However…the difficulty I’m having in taking time out for myself, somewhat indicates to me that I need to do it. I opted to write here tonight, instead of working on the lace…because for some reason (having been an English major) it seems less of a waste of time to write a blog post than it is to knot lace.

I know I could be working on my course, but the internet has been in and out all day. Besides…I’m getting tired of these courses, especially since I realize now that Cataloging is difficult for me. I know I probably should be working on my current course (or checking work in my past courses), but the thing is, “should” is a word that I’ve been trying to work out of my system, since I realized how much it was damaging me as a youth. (I was a severe overachiever, although that may be why I’m in the position I am [in regard to career prospects, and my relative lack of development in non-academic areas], now.)

Yeah, maybe I do need to stop working as hard as I can, as much as I can, just because I have a commitment or because I always expect more of myself. It’s interesting to take a vacation and then get back to work, and realize how much you appreciated not having to do it…

I also want to get back to my JavaScript course. How badly I want to get back to it? I’m not sure at this point. But I also want to get back to just basic coding. I just need to find something to build a site around…and, for now, to find the time to keep educating myself via the one serious book I’ve recently purchased. The reason I haven’t gotten back to it…is largely because I’m anxious about installing new programs on my machine. It’s always a risk, and usually a risk I don’t like to take. I do have ways of checking things; the entire process is just stressful.

LIS, psychology, self care

Long way to hell

Yeah…

Yeah.

I just got through this last week’s test, and by the outcome, it’s apparent why I was so intimidated by it. Basically, each week’s work depends on the knowledge gained in prior weeks, so if you didn’t “get” something in the first week, it follows you the rest of the way through the course.

Okay…anyhow, it’s over, and I can stop being mean to people because I hate having to do this work, now.