beading, beadwork, Business, personal, self care, spirituality

I think I’ve found what I’m going to be doing…

…for the next year, until the vaccine. (Of course, predictions of what I will do are sketchy, at best.) I’ve gotten back into making beaded jewelry; mostly, glass beadweaving, and micro-macrame. I have some stone components, but it isn’t the direction I seem to be going in, wholly.

I’m also trying to taking care of myself when I need to; particularly, where this comes to exercise and hygiene, with other forms of self-care (like maintaining my spaces). Then there’s my class. After that, I can deal with what comes up…particularly, giving XSLT another shot (and hoping there aren’t any gigantic disturbances, this time).

My University class…well, that’s basically…group work. Meaning, I don’t have a lot of control over it. I’m not entirely certain how to communicate with the others as well; I’ve been away from the LMS for so long (about two years, now) that I am not sure others are getting my messages. Luckily, I don’t have to worry about my grades, as I’ve already graduated. The others, do.

I was mistaken about the timeline for the end of my University class: I have just a bit more time than I thought I did. What I don’t have is extra time to arrange an internship, if I want to pay the University to supervise it for me. And, I mean…is it worth it? On top of that, do I need to take it now? And, could I not find a use for, say, a database project, myself?

I’m scaling back my Academic commitments, particularly because I did not finish two of my last private online courses (the ones which happened around the orange sky days). I know I’ll have to deal with XML again at the beginning of the year (and hopefully pass it, this time), but without an additional University commitment, and barring any unforeseen disasters, I won’t have to deal with anything else.

That will free up my time to design and make jewelry. I’ve been engaging in the former, more than is normal for me (recently). Though, of course, even saying that makes me feel guilty. I tend to spend more on production than I gain through sales. It’s an issue. But, “minimal loss,” is a better goal than, “bottomless pit.” Of course, there’s the profit-margin aspect…which is difficult to even think about at this point, because I haven’t kept complete records of quantities spent and quantities gained.

People sometimes get surprised when I say I make jewelry, because I don’t tend to wear jewelry. At least I didn’t, for the majority of the time I was on the last two jobs. Wearing jewelry attracts male attention that I don’t want, and I’m more apt to want big muscles than to actually…you know, dress up. Not to mention that my last two jobs have been so dirty that I didn’t want to wear good clothes or jewelry.

The jewelry I design isn’t necessarily congruent with the way I’ve decided to present myself, although it does really make me look good. The thing I get tripped up on is that when I wear what I make, and dress up, I feel very, “ethnic,” and I don’t know where that places me, socially. I’ve spent a lifetime being seen as “exotic”, so it’s probably, well…predictable that I would have complicated feelings around that.

The thing is, when I dress up, I don’t intend to make myself look like something I’m not. It’s probably been over a year since I straightened my hair, and no one would ever think me to be white (aside from one internet troll, who was probably just trying to get a rise). People from similar racial and cultural backgrounds can find me familiar (even children), but aside from those people, I probably come across as an unknown amalgam.

There is a bit of relative safety, though, in looking like a beautiful woman. Many treat me with privilege more often that way, than they do when I’m in menswear, and I believe that others are also more apt to protect and empathize with me. Generally, if I can be mistaken for a man or mistaken for a woman, I’m attended to with more privilege than when I am ambiguous (when the feedback turns curious and hostile, especially if others believe me to be younger than I am). However, I know that when I’m mistaken for a woman, the person I really am slips under the radar. I become invisible. To the outside, I may be hypervisible; as regards personality, no one expects to find me there.

(Then again, no one ever expects to find me, there.)

Yes, this does remind me of femme positionality…but am I femme? I don’t believe so. Fluid, is more like it.

I guess when you’re a designer, there’s no rule that states that your personal aesthetic has to match your normal outward presentation. They’re two different things, and they interrelate in a complicated way. Not everything I produce will be “me” in the sense of displaying who I am; in the same sense, almost all of it, does. What comes out of me might allot to, “who one might be if society were not a factor.” And that’s beautiful. That’s vulnerable and open to display. It’s honest.

It’s also broader than the face(s) I put on for society in order to attain my own personal aims (like being passed over), which I still have mixed feelings about. I know a lot of enby people who have a way they want to be treated, which doesn’t happen unless they look a way that they really don’t want to look. And if they look a way they do want to look, they aren’t treated the same way.

I can relate. I honestly want to look femme — a muscular femme that’s mixed with the type of female power and knowing, that I see coloring my own masculinity. The thing is, I also don’t want to constantly have to defend my own boundaries. It’s easier when men leave me alone, especially granted that pretty much no random man off the street impresses me. They get blinded by how I look, and tend to assume I am who they want me to be, rather than giving me agency over my own self-definition and my own desires.

If were granted the latter two, I don’t think I’d have a problem. I need to be able to be myself, regardless of whether that self would seamlessly fit into their lives. I need to be respected enough so that when I say no, it’s believed and honored. I need it to be okay for me to be all of myself, not just the parts that fit into some cultural definition of ideal, “womanhood,” that I most likely don’t share.

I am, that is, human. Like you. And like you, I’m complicated and I have my own desires and needs and thoughts that don’t revolve around other people. That don’t revolve around men; that don’t revolve around you. The way I look has nothing to do with who I am. It has to do with what comes at me. If you knew what comes at me, and you felt what I felt from the inside, you would understand why I am the way I am.

And why I have no time for people who assume they know me because they can see me; who think my body parts mean things they do not.

No, I don’t know what this is. I don’t have a name for it. But this is me, and has been me, for a very long time.

…and yes, I am sensing the feeling I get when I see the color, indigo. Which is ironic, as I believe I was supposed to be an “Indigo Child.” I also just purchased some “Denim Blue” crystal beads, of which I am now reminded (they’re so dark a blue that they’re almost gray; the color comes out in direct sun and among other blues, violets, and blue-greens)…but that, that gets into aesthetics, which gets into philosophy and spirituality…

Is that what “aura colors” are? Matching up the feelings you get when you see the color, with the feelings you get when you sense yourself (or others) at your (or their) most clear and true and powerful…?

There’s also the idea that jewelry is art. That each piece has its own personality. Like a story, it maintains the imprint of its author, but should not reflect directly back upon her character. Everyone sees something different in art pieces, and art pieces can reflect any facet of human experience, as filtered and arranged through the maker and reconstructed by the viewer (and the wearer). It may be a puzzle with no correct answer. Be open to hearing multiple versions of reality. The multiplicity contributes to the reality of the beauty.

And no, I honestly have no idea why people like my work. ;) I don’t even know why I like my work…I don’t know why it’s good; I just know it is.

Maybe I should work on a philosophy as to why I’m doing what I’m doing. If I knew, on a large scale, why I was doing what I was doing when I was doing it…maybe that would help me stay motivated to keep doing it. Like a Mission Statement, you know? If any of that Business training I went through, has any value at all…

I mean, it can’t all be about money. If it were just about money, there are other and more efficient ways to get it, that help other people more. I know aesthetics factor into this. Being able to feel like I have something, also factors in, as silly as it is with little bits of colored glass.

Color is a very large…and elusive, mysterious component of why I continue to bead. There are entire books written on color in beadwork, though the two I have which expressly focus on it, don’t do it justice. I question whether a print book can ever do it justice. You really need to get in there with your hands and just work. Then you see what can be done.

Maybe I should actually write a book, on color in beadwork.

I’ve been making efforts to get out from in front of this computer and engage in non-virtual activities as much as possible; though sometimes, as you can see, writing actually does help enrich my life, by drawing out thoughts I didn’t know I had.

I also have a tendency to feel guilty about working creatively, which is counter-productive when it comes to actually making money…but…I’ve just now realized that there is, at least, spiritual and aesthetic value in colorwork. There’s also value in making oneself beautiful, even if you’re like me and have a hard time with the attention. Isn’t beauty of value?

I don’t know yet how to balance these things…maybe become stronger in my assertiveness in order to be able to realize my own beauty without feeling violated?

Be who I am, right? Just be, totally, who I am; that is beautiful enough…

beading, beadweaving, Business, craft, creativity, jewelry design, self care

Well, I screwed that up. :)

I did work with my beads today (technically: yesterday), and have a new design and a fresh set of earrings, for it. My major dilemma is whether to show these on the blog, if I want to eventually sell online (which is looking like more of a likelihood, than not). Personal information, professional identity, and all that. I shouldn’t mix my personal blog with business.

The drawback to doing this, tonight: I got so involved in my work that I completely (as in, entirely) forgot to take my evening medication, so I may not be tired until 2:30 AM, or so. As I start this post, it’s a little before 1 AM.

This is the first design I’ve made, that’s layered. I rather like the look, but the major issue will be sourcing a couple of bead shapes, going forward — if I make these to sell, that is. There are a couple of shapes that I’m either having a difficult time sourcing, or my best supplier is on the other side of the globe, and shipping takes 3 weeks in international mail.

Actually — now that I changed my search terms — I’m finding them. I need to look under “drop bead” instead of “teardrop bead”. One of the weaknesses of Web searching is the lack of a consistent vocabulary. The names of beads aren’t an issue in a brick-and-mortar store, where you can see the things…but, well, then there are text-based search engines.

I’ll go to bed now, so I can work on this more, tomorrow. I’m not sure whether I’ll actually need to write a pattern for myself (or at least, take notes and make drawings)…I just find it odd, that I’d come out of the night with three working earrings (of my own design).

That is — I can do this, and maybe should do this. I mean…I’m apparently good at it. I just have to make time for myself to do it, and stop berating myself for taking a less efficient path to sustainability…

Business, career, culture, LIS, writing

Writing as an outlet? as a profession?

I began this post late last night, then found myself wandering off-topic — into stationery, of all things. As I had, the prior morning, woken up at 3:30 AM and stayed up past dawn, and it was by that time around midnight — and I was actually tired, I decided to give it a rest. Or give myself a rest, that is.

I’ve been meaning to tell you all that my instructor let me know that Statistics won’t help much with data-mining. Well. :) My instructor also let me know that I had accidentally overlooked 2/3 of the assignment I turned in on Sunday…so I still have some work to do. Luckily, the class isn’t over for a couple more weeks, and all the due dates are, “soft.” The major thing I’m dealing with is how to account for multiple variables — that is, which variables to use at what time to get what information; and how to label data points.

As well — I’ve been questioning just how important it is for me to keep myself in at least 1-2 classes per month through the end of the year (though I should note that I’ll be in Vocabulary Design, likely until December). It is possible, that is, to learn via reading and study (and writing), as versus being in a class. What I won’t necessarily get are exercises and quizzes and due dates (or Certificates).

However…I’ve saved a bunch of material from my first Cataloging course (the one I didn’t do too well in), and I could easily review…at least, the part that has to do with Library of Congress Subject Headings (LCSH) and Library of Congress Classification (LCC). A lot of the material for that is available online — and I should review it. Dewey Decimal Classification (DDC), though — the tools for that are available only for a fee. I could do it, but it would just be practice; I’ve already taken a refresher course on that with the American Library Association (ALA).

There’s also the alternate option of getting onto LibraryThing…which uses an old version of DDC which is out of copyright (LibraryThing calls it the Melvil Decimal System, or MDS). I believe the DDC is currently copyrighted by the Online Computer Library Center (OCLC). DDC is used by Public Libraries and some smaller Academic Libraries, in the U.S. Most large University Libraries, from my experience, use LCC: their collections are simply too huge for the limited number of divisions in DDC.

Yesterday morning, I started working through Rethinking Information Work by G. Kim Dority, and started the “Career Journal” she recommends. So far, I’d recommend the book to Information Professionals who are looking at job options (I know I’m not the only one laid off — or facing the possibility), just for the number and diversity of resources listed at the end of each Chapter, and in the Appendixes. (I’m on Chapter 2, and still have to transcribe my self-assessment.)

One of the resources recommended by Dority in an annotated bibliography is The Start-Up of You, by Reid Hoffman and Ben Casnocha. Hoffman helped begin LinkedIn, the social-networking site. I’m still amazed at how many people don’t know about it. I was forced to sign up in 2012 when I began my Library Science program, but I knew of it before then.

Then again, back then, the Internet was almost my primary social medium.

I wouldn’t rank The Start-Up of You too highly, at this point (I’m beginning Chapter 3). So far, there has been a lot of talk about successful capitalists (I assume they’re capitalists) and how we can learn from them; and pushing of LinkedIn. I’ve been around a bit too long to really…take that seriously. I mean, the conflict of interest is very apparent (as my own bias, here, also likely is).

However, it does bring up the idea that my perspective, thoughts, and intelligence are likely my largest assets…when it comes to differentiating myself from, “my competition.” And research, if I’m looking at Writing as a field, is largely reading. Reading comprehension and writing are two things I do relatively well. Not perfectly, yet; but in comparison to many, I think well (even if I am, now, relatively hesitant to divulge where I disagree).

That is basically my largest, “competitive advantage.”

The thing is…it’s very apparent right now that the world doesn’t need another person to agree to everything and say it’s all fine, when it isn’t. That’s an abdication of responsibility. The kids in Flint, MI, don’t stop being poisoned by lead in their drinking water because someone says, “it’s fine.” Radium poisoning from occupational exposure doesn’t stop happening because someone says, “it’s fine.” Coronavirus deaths don’t stop racking up because someone says, “it’s fine.”

I think we can see a pattern, here. We don’t need to be told that things aren’t as bad as they are — we need reality to be addressed. Not someone’s faith-based fantasy. There is a distinction to be made between fantasy and reality, although the lines seem to recently have become blurred. Or, maybe in the U.S., to some people at least, they’ve always been blurred.

And yeah, that is the first time in a long time that I’ve actually written something like that. But things can only go so far before people start speaking up about them.

And no, I do not represent my community of practice in saying any of this. This is all me.

I’ve realized that I never really did a review of Toxic Archipelago. Brett Walker, at the beginning of the book, says that it goes to a really dark place. It’s really not as dark as Kate Moore’s Radium Girls, however: I believe Walker likely tried to protect the reader from the harshness of the realities of the situations described in the book.

For example, describing kidnapped Korean labor working in Japanese coal mines during WWII as, “forced labor.” I guess that sounds nicer than, “slavery,” even though Koreans still face discrimination in Japan today, and were the subjects of cultural imperialism (at least during the time of the 1910-1945 Japanese Occupation), which is not so different from what I know. (I also outright know that there is a lot I don’t know.)

But then, one could make the same case about modern U.S. prison labor: how things went from outright slavery to Jim Crow and then to the school-to-prison pipeline. To not delve into those other two topics (cultural imperialism and discrimination), right now.

That’s a really deep rabbit hole to get into, though, and I’m not as fully informed as I would like to be on it should I comment (further, at least), so I’ll stay away from it, for now. Though, the topics of Korea-Japan relations, and cultural imperialism (in and by various countries), and the U.S. prison system, all look like topics rife for research.

While it’s cathartic to be able to actually write these things, I’m aware that communicating anything in the realm of opinion inheres risk. (Communicating things in the realm of fact probably also inheres risk, these days.) However, if my value is in my viewpoint and my ability to articulate why my view is what it is; that’s also something to be aware of.

I have actually started a project journal, as well. Right now I’m not limiting it to either fiction or nonfiction, though I believe it will likely begin as a mixture and become more fictionalized as time goes on. If my past attempts say anything about this, it will definitely become more complex…which causes me to wonder if I should actually make an outline, or let things wander where they may…

beading, Business, craft, money, self care, technology

Too much analysis!

Apparently, I need to give myself a break, sometimes…though it’s difficult when a person has become accustomed to having deadlines. Particularly…it would likely be actually good for me to get back to my beads and sewing. And/or, you know, writing non-academic things.

That kind of explains why I’m back here, today.

Over the weekend…was it the weekend? The days are blurring together now, but some time last week, I found out my hard drive was failing. (They only have a lifespan of 3-5 years, according to the Web.) Two days after that and we get the replacement; and then D and I have to install the thing and transfer everything over to the new drive…which is done. It just stressed me out for pretty much three days straight, and I still haven’t fully recovered where it comes to doing things with my brain.

That is, it’s difficult to get back to having to think about and analyze things, again, which is tough when I have classes to get back to and deadlines to meet. But the hard-drive thing had to be done…pretty much immediately, if I didn’t want to have to use other machines. I’ve done it before; I just don’t like to.

As a surprise, today I did get a shipment of beads which I had stopped waiting for (they came from the Czech Republic, which has not been shipping things out promptly for at least a couple of weeks because of COVID-19)…that was fun. :) My spreadsheet says I ordered these at the beginning of last month. According to the Web, it can take up to 21 days for things to get here from Czechia, and there was about a month’s delay on top of that, which…is understandable. It actually got here about a week earlier than I would have expected, if I had expected it. I had just figured it would be a nice surprise, if and when it did come.

I did get one set of beads which is pretty much unusable due to what appears to be corrosion of the Blue Iris coating; like they have been rolled in cement, almost. I’m not even going to try to save these with washing; it may be more hazardous than it’s worth (these beads cost me less than $4, total, and everything else was fine). D joked that I should send them back.

Iris colors in particular — I mean, they’re beautiful, but they’re one of the coatings that I’d have some concern about when it comes to toxicology, just from unverified information I’ve seen online. There is a reason why these things (at least, the cheaper ones) generally say that they aren’t for use by people under 14 years old…though I started using them at 11-12, at the oldest; we didn’t know any better.

I know it took me some time to graduate to the more expensive beads, but I am not sure when, entirely, the switchover from dyed glass fabric-/craft-store beads, to glass beads from bead stores, conventions, and online, took place. I am pretty sure that I can recall going to a bead store at 14 at the oldest, though: I remember the clerk at the snobby (it was, I’m not kidding) bead store, keeping a close eye on myself and M. I was in high school, then…I recall making a necklace with a pendant from there which ended up chipping one of my front teeth, in my 9th grade locker room.

They’ve since gone under. I think the multi-hole bead trend (“which beads do we stock???”), along with open favoritism in customer service, high rent, a sparsely populated web page, and customer realization that it’s hard to make a living off of beading, did it. (I hesitate to say, “intellectual property issues,” but that’s there, too: both in using widespread/basic patterns that many people could spontaneously come up with, and in having unique designs used without permission.)

Going online sounds so easy, until it comes to actually doing it. But there is an opening here for people who know Web Development, obviously. I don’t see the trend decreasing in the near future, and actually, this was a secret reason why I took Web Design in Grad School. Of course, there’s a lot more I’d need to learn if I wanted to become a Web Developer…and I think I mentioned somewhere else that I don’t think I’d be able to maintain my initial interest (to keep myself abreast of new technology) for the rest of my life. Not keeping on top of new technology and being a Web Developer at the same time, sounds…like a very bad combination.

Anyhow, getting the beads today, was nice. It reminded me that I have a legitimate opening to sell my work. During this time while I’m in classes and purposefully staying away from other people, there actually is a way I can earn income. It just isn’t my primary career path. It is, however, something I’m skilled in. I have pretty much everything I need, now; and what I don’t have, is easy to get. There is a constraint now, however, in that I’m operating from a hypothetically closed set of resources. Like I would be if I were actually operating a business, and not just trying to break even with my externally-funded hobby.

I mean, you know, there’s that added financial stress now…and I haven’t even begun working, yet. Before, it just would have been nice not to lose money; now, it’s don’t waste your time and investment! Of course, any income from this beyond breaking even, I could see as positive, so long as my living expenses are taken care of. If I were seriously doing this and living on my own…pricing would be a serious issue.

Of course, there is also the question of who will be buying jewelry at a time like this. But then we could also question, who is going out at a time like this, and obviously, the number is greater than I’d expect.

I actually have started a writing project, but I’m concerned that by working on it, I’m resigning myself to the fact that I’m going to die one day. Which of course, I will, unless I’m another Henrietta Lacks (which I’m not sure anyone would want to be). But the concern is about mortality (mine and everyone else’s) being an immediate issue. That kind of sets up…some difficulty, where it comes to recording my own thoughts. But I guess most people don’t like to think about that, so I’m probably not alone.

The other thing I had been doing for my sanity at home, was sewing. I can also get back to that, as it doesn’t require a lot of intellectual/analytical input, and it helps me feel helpful. Probably I also discouraged myself by trying to improve on my design, however. If my state makes it illegal to go outside without a mask (and it looks like we’re going in that direction, now)…I am going to have to make more.

Yeah, I just should. Building up the mask stash should be #1 priority, with #2 being jeweling, and #3 being authorship. Where it comes to work, aside of my classes and my Portfolio.

beading, Business, career, craft, jewelry, money

Finding a niche?

It’s a little after 12:15 AM in my part of the world, as I begin this entry. I’ve had time to send emails out both to my Vocational program, and to the Career Center liaison for my University. At this point, it’s looking pretty clear that I should be strengthening my Metadata and Cataloging skills, and looking for a job using those skills.

I also should complete the upload and edits for my ePortfolio, given that I apparently did not save all the information from it before taking it down. (Just making it, was grindingly stressful; I’m not surprised that I didn’t even want to look at it, after I had graduated.)

I am feeling pretty optimistic at this point, though. I went over a job skills document from my Master’s program, and have found that “Customer Service” is not a top skill in demand from most employers. I have, that is, been looking in the wrong sector for employment, if I don’t want to have to deal with everyone, all the time.

Of course, it has taken experience and self-knowledge to understand why Public Service is toxic for me: I am not what the general public infers I am, from my appearance. Everyone makes inferences. They’re usually wrong. They usually assume they aren’t. I’ve only had one patron ever correctly guess the origin of my name (taken broadly).

I’ve meant to ask M if not being seen as a person is exceedingly common for people like us (even without gender issues)… I didn’t even know what I was missing until I found someone who let me tell him who I was, instead of projecting who I must be, onto me. I had to have been 18 or 19 by that time.

Even though I am essentially about to lose my job — unless the Union is successful — I’ve not stopped spending money. I am ambivalent about this. On one hand, I don’t want to go into a mindset of impoverishment — especially as making money requires at least an initial investment. On the other, as an individual, I’m going to need some income to tide me through; unless I know that I’m going to be able to be hired before my savings run out.

Becoming wholly dependent on my parents again…could happen. Though I obviously don’t really want that (I’d be in deep trouble if they both passed), I will likely not have to worry about a lack of shelter or food, with them around.

The thing I’m thinking about doing, is selling jewelry and taking classes, building myself up until I can become other-than-self-employed, again. I’m giving myself until late August to get my mind together enough to decide where my next step will land. Right now, I’m still trying to tell where I am.

And unfortunately, I am attached to the jewelry I make. That’s what photos and diagrams and samples are for, though. I think that maybe I just have to remind myself that I barely wear jewelry as it is. The jewelry I’ve bought is jewelry I can’t make, or would rather not specialize in making.

There’s just so much time spent in the design phase, though. Design (and research on techniques), purchasing parts and tools, keeping things organized and findable. The part of beading that isn’t construction of that one piece, itself…do I really want to charge for that time?

There’s also the question of selling my portfolio pieces. I believe I’d have to, in order to make enough money to make continually buying new stock, sustainable — or at least, only a minimal loss. (“Minimal loss” is where I was when I was beading as a microbusiness for my family and friends, a long time ago.) Of course, though: I’m comparing this to a paraprofessional position at 26 hours a week. It shouldn’t be impossible to earn something at closer to 40, even if it isn’t quite that much.

That is the difference between beading as a hobby, and beading as a job: the amount of return I would need. Maybe I should map out how much I would need to continue operations and stay in the black (pay my bills: which are largely for supplies, books, classes and computer maintenance) every two weeks, or every month, and see how much I’d need to sell to reach that amount. I’d need to make more jewelry than will earn that, realistically; and I can’t tell how long it would take for my storefront to surface.

But hey…people do make at least some income off of stuff like this.

Of course, though…if I’m taking classes, and applying for jobs, and reading in my field, I possibly won’t be able to maintain a 40-hour week unless my work moves into evenings and weekends. I’ve heard people who run small businesses say as much; that their weeks are more like 70-hour weeks.

So maybe I should place my emphasis more on finding a long-term position, or just creeping back into the black (as versus the red)? It actually would be more of an investment to study, but it might not pay off for a while, with the economy the way it is.

I think M would tell me to stop overthinking it and just do something. I’m not the best at that…

Business, money, psychology, sewing

Motivation, money, and living

Ah, man. Yesterday, I dove back into mask-making. The system I’ve got is…well, let’s say I’ve got a lot of design iterations. I also had to clarify whom I was making the masks for — myself and those I loved, or those who would pay me for them? Am I looking, that is, for self-fulfillment and productivity, or for piecework wages?

I consulted with M yesterday, who encouraged me to make them for myself. It’s easier for me to work, when I know I can benefit from what I make. I know that I’ve made 10 so far that have gone to other people (who can’t or don’t want to sew), and those were some of my best ones…at the time. As a consequence…I have been feeling kind of like I’m running in place. I don’t mind having given the ones to my sibling, but then I had a surprise order of four (from another person), when I hadn’t even agreed to sew them or sell them.

I feel…also, now, that it’s probably a better bet to keep my day job and use income from that to support my crafting, than it is to leave my job and actually do this to make money (if I have a choice). In an 8-hour day at my job, I can make $160. That’s…not guaranteed to happen, if I am running a micro-business. What’s sad is that where I live now, $20/hour, working full-time ($3200/month), isn’t a lot. It may barely make rent; but rent is exorbitant, here (expect $2000/month). I forget how much of a percentage of one’s salary is supposed to be maximum for going to housing…I can look it up, though. It’s probably not 60%. (Ah: Knowledge Graph says it’s about 30%.)

And yes, I am thinking of moving out of the suburbs and to an agreeable rural area (and just depend upon the Web for purchases and incoming business and metropolitan/global contact). What’s positive is knowing that the Bay Area isn’t the only place I can live, with comfort. There are other Asian-American enclaves in other places in the country. Especially if I’m not going to be visibly transgender (right now I can almost blend in [in the Bay Area, which is ethnically diverse] except for when I speak my mind), I have options.

I will also be able to travel, I should remind myself. I had been thinking of moving out to Tucson, AZ, because of the annual gem and jewelry convention. It draws people from all over the country — and I would think a lot of other crafters live out there. But I don’t necessarily have to live in the desert, to visit Tucson. I could move elsewhere, and fly in for a week. I’m also mostly getting my materials online now, anyway.

I’m actually thinking of moving to the Pacific Northwest, or south to the Central California coast, or overseas. I had thought of Seattle, but I don’t think that would be, financially, much better than here. Then there’s the Southwest, and the Rockies. I’ve been told to steer clear of the Sierras, though I do love it up there: the people, it’s said, can be hostile to difference (though that was said to me in 2001). There’s also Hawaii…but the cost of living there, is also high, and earnings are low (at least on Oahu, which I’m not sure is representative of anything). The trouble with living in Hawaii is getting things shipped to you, and being dependent on that.

There’s also a place in the Appalachians where one can go for intensive craft training…not that I can remember the link offhand, however.

Maybe I should be researching this stuff, before I have to. What I do know is that I kind of don’t want to stay here forever, unless some of the infrastructural and societal problems are addressed. People actually do live in the rest of the world, in short. Probably not surprising to most of you, but for a long time I’ve felt trapped in this area because of the stares my family gets, even just going other places in California. (Apparently, more tolerant people migrate to the large urban areas.)

The most I’m thinking of doing with a microbusiness, at this point, is breaking even. I’ve purchased a lot of fabric. Partially this was because my godmother seriously wanted to buy masks from me, and it brought up the possibility that I could make money off of this, at least in the short term (also possibly in the long term). The problem is, I’d have to first invest in materials. This is where the Economic Stimulus package steps in, much of which is going to favorite ethnic-minority- and/or woman-owned small local businesses.

So…I have a lot of fabric, right now (the scraps of which, will go to my quilting). I’ve been asked if I’m “giving (masks) away”; given that I’ve spent a good deal out of my own pocket and earnings ($420), and it has taken about an hour to make each mask (that’s at least $10 per mask in design, labor, and materials, before markup); no, no I’m not, “giving them away.”

Though maybe I’d feel better, if I did. Then I wouldn’t feel obligated to keep to a timetable (which I’m not following). Luckily, I don’t have to break even, because I am still employed — and living with my parents. How long that’s going to last? I’m not sure.

I’m sounding bitter, I think. But then, my mood hasn’t been the best, recently. It’s likely that I’m experiencing something that has a component of bipolar mania (it runs in my family), which would help explain the amount of money I’ve spent recently, the lack of sleep, and the irritability and anger. I’m not sure if the anti-germ paranoia falls in with it, but not wanting to go back to work (even for a few hours during which I could be exposed), probably does. It’s that whole, “vulnerability,” thing.

Given that, it may be best that I don’t go in to work in a couple of weeks…but I’ll know more about my state as that date approaches. It’s not even a given that the workplace I’m scheduled for will be open at the time I’ve signed up. The issue is that revoking a commitment to work is a big deal, in this system. But in January, when I signed up, COVID-19 wasn’t even on the radar, here. My point was to clear my 12 required Sundays of the year before the most opportune slots were taken, though I have been working so much that I only have one more to go, now.

I think I might be happy working in a small community library, though. I don’t know how it would be…outside of an urban or suburban area. But I’m hoping it would be less stressful. I’m not sure if I should get into detailing, why…

But I hope that it’s different, elsewhere. Because it’s a mess, out here.

And, yeah…well, I do realize that I’m sounding a bit conservative, relative to my past self. It’s probably just related to disillusionment. I think my parents have said they have gone through the same thing as they’ve aged. It still doesn’t mean that I’m anywhere near Republican, but then, even most Republicans probably don’t like where that party is headed. (I work in a Library; I’ve seen it.)

Maybe that’s an upshot to working in a Public Library, huh? You learn to separate people who have emotional, cognitive and behavioral problems from sane adherents of praxes which just differ from yours. Which…makes it easier to consider their beliefs, values, and philosophies as valid (for them, in their circumstances), or to examine the sources of one’s own beliefs, values, and philosophies as one also questions the sources of others’. I do think it actually is a diversity issue, only I’m approaching it from the side of a minority. (It doesn’t make sense to only ask empowered people to do the work.)

I’ve just…been in areas where the people have been ultra-hyper-liberal, and it’s really alienating, sometimes (often — especially when racism’s still present). Of course, I also can get alienated when people don’t see political bullying where it’s happening (because they aren’t women or minorities), as well. So…I mean, I can see why people don’t talk about politics. No matter what, someone is going to go, “guh?”

I have, however, just recently gotten involved in civic participation. It’s kind of empowering, especially when one expects to have no voice. I probably wouldn’t have done that, in turn, without having been a member of a professional association.

I didn’t intend to write about this, today. It just sort of happened.

In any case…yes, I’ve been working on my sewing, again. :) I’ve incorporated the quilting I may have been talking about in earlier entries — a line of stitching about 1/3 of the way in on each side — and yesterday I actually wore the things to test for comfort and fit. I know the best way to tie them, now; that I can wear my glasses with them; and that they are breathable.

They do, however, have to be tied correctly in order to function and not cut off the nasal passages: the upper tie around the nape, and the lower tie at the upper back crest of the head. There’s also some issue with air leaking out of the top of the mask, around the nose and eyes.

However…it’s probably better than nothing. Given that their greatest role is to keep virus from being exhaled/coughed/sneezed onto someone else, they probably work pretty well. I can actually feel the condensation in the fabric…so I know the mask is catching that.

I also found that cutting things to be aligned with the grain of the fabric, greatly eases the task of creasing these things with the iron! Not to mention, that I realized my difficulty with sewing the Kona cotton, most likely had to do with cutting my ties cross-grain: I experimented with that yesterday, and it was fine. Smooth sailing. It’s so crazy.

On top of that…given what I know now about fabric grain, I know to cut along the grain as much as possible (not upward across the bolt), and to get yardage in at least 1-yard increments. 18 inches is just too tight to try and fit in two 9.5″ wide panels, and I don’t want to turn my panel to cut cross-grain, unless I absolutely have to.

Business, career, jewelry, libraries, psychology, self care, work

Relax, kid. You have options.

I remember now, something I learned in Library School: you don’t have to do the most difficult thing possible for you to do, just because it’s difficult. Challenging myself constantly may not be the easiest route forward, in life. Yes, I’m talking about COVID-19 and myself working in a public service position based on gathering and sharing, with chronic OCD and a germ phobia. All that has to happen is for someone to cough on me. That’s all that has to happen.

If I were living alone, this may not be such a big issue: but I’m living with two parents over the age of 65, which puts them at high risk. Given that I still need them to support me (I still can’t drive)…that’s not great. Also given that my sibling is an ocean away and that my nearby family is not known for their mental stability (it’s hereditary, except I’m taking care of my dysfunction instead of denying it)…also, not great.

Right now…I’m at a relatively unique place: a juncture at which I’ve never before been. I’ve got job experience, extensive training, schooling. My debt is taken care of, due to family. I’m still with a program designed to help people like myself (I am legally disabled — though I didn’t realize my OCD alone would grant me protections). I question now, however, how much that program has been or will be able to help me further (aside from assistance with learning to drive…or obtaining a job which is not public service).

I know for a fact that they weren’t aware of the reality of working within a Public Library system when they recommended I try it, for example. I had run-ins with two creeps early on (one of whom was a known stalker), which I was entirely unprepared for. But that’s normal, for a Public frikkin’ Library.

Essentially…I have a lot of freedom, right now. God knows how long that will last, but right now I have the ability to pretty much do what I want. Over the last few weeks of the quarantine, I’ve started to get back to what comforts me: making things. It takes my mind off of the stress. I really don’t know everything about how it works; I just know it does. Today I received an order of cords in the mail…kind of makes me want to cry, but not in a bad way. It’s nice to have the money for these things.

I still need to re-register for a seller’s permit (which will enable me to pay tax at point of sale of finished items instead of at point of purchase of materials)…but I can see an extended market for face coverings right now, as well as for jewelry (although I am very aware that jewelry is not a life necessity: it’s a luxury, and people may not have much money for luxuries in the near future). The key thing here…is that if I get (or maintain) a relatively stable part-time job in order to finance the making, I could bloom that income.

Right now, I know what I have saved, and I know a bit about what I could earn. The question is whether I could emotionally tolerate the work: I’d rather work with objects or data, not people…but the position I’m in now is almost entirely composed of working with people. Then there is the fact that working with data most likely means working with numbers (at least if I’m dealing with Big Data)…not my favorite thing to do. That leaves, objects…from which, I’m learning a surprising amount. (Not least, I’m recalling my Geometry — which was one of my favorite topics when it came to Math.)

As well…the surge in physical productivity I experienced recently…that only happened once I tried to commit myself to language as an art form. Then I realized that I didn’t want to do it. There are reasons for this…prime among them is the fact that language in many ways could be said to attempt (and repeatedly fail) to encase reality. I know about this personally.

It’s much easier to exist outside of the confines of language, for me. Working with other languages highlights the biases of English…however, both Spanish and Japanese (the two non-English languages I’ve been most closely acquainted with) have their own strong biases (gender in the first case, hierarchy in the second), and I’d expect the trend of cultural quirks to continue across the myriad of world languages I don’t know about.

Working with images…or literally with fabric or glass, it isn’t the same thing. Color reaches people on a much more basic level than words do. As for why or how, I’m still not certain — or perhaps the part of my mind that can think and type in words, can’t comprehend what the rest of it, knows. (I wouldn’t be surprised.) But there’s way more to me, than just language; and I’m wishing to explore that, at this point.

This reminds me of a game I heard of recently…I’m not sure whether or not it’s Gris, but there are no words spoken in the game…which has really fantastic implications for the way it is received globally and cross-culturally. This is the same reason I was initially into MARC (MAchine Readable Cataloging) encoding — everyone had to learn it, it wasn’t language-specific; but right now, as I’ve heard, it’s one of the oldest legacy technologies and is set to be replaced by Linked Data…

Gah, now I’m getting technical and not knowing how to describe this. But Linked Data also works across different languages and vocabularies.

That does give me more of a sense of peace, than not. On that point, I wonder if I should be a member of IFLA (the International Federation of Library Associations and Institutions). Even if I only had the opportunity to work in New Zealand or Australia or Singapore, those could be good options.

I think that with the Library work…I’m going to aim to become a Cataloger. It will keep me working with items (as versus people), and maybe it will be easier for me. If I can’t find a job within a Library system itself, I can work for a company that provides pre-cataloged items to libraries. If not that, hey — it isn’t like item description, organization, and retrieval is any less of a problem, anywhere else.

And I do have some coding skills…

Maybe I should invest in that. I could help with website development for bead shops desiring a Web presence, for example…

Business, career, craft, libraries, money

Deciding against Summer Session for now

It’s safe to say that I didn’t accomplish everything today that I set out to do, last night. As I begin this, it’s shortly after 10 PM on April 24…I was mostly asleep, until 5 PM. (I was able to get up for breakfast, but then burning eyes and an overall sense of lethargy had me take a three-hour nap, lest I get sick.)

I also exercised a little, and I met my weight-loss goal for the last two weeks (even though I don’t know how that could happen…but I’m not complaining), so that was positive.

For what time I’ve been up, I’ve been working on more masks — trying to see how many coordinated ones, I can squeeze out of what I have. I wasn’t pushing myself to work quickly. I still have a week before the interim Shelter-In-Place order might be up…and even then, I would say it’s likely we would be staying at home as much as possible.

We know that two to four masks are going out to help others…I’ve picked six out to choose from (which don’t contain the dense batik that may be difficult to repair, or the one with felt interlining which M requested).

I have materials for five lined up, right now; plus an additional two which I need to cut ties for. A call to dinner interrupted those.

I’m getting more into the process of matching things up before I cut them, and getting to know how many masks I can make out of one Fat Quarter. Essentially, one pre-shrunk Fat Quarter (roughly <18″x22″) allows the cutting of one front panel (slightly larger than 9″x6″), one back panel (same), and one set of four ties (2″x 18″ each). It could also render two sets of four ties; or, five panels. I haven’t yet tried fitting three panels next to four ties, because, well, I’m working with fabrics that already have chunks taken out of their corners (or uneven sides).

Though I don’t regret cutting up what I have (it’s important that the cheap batiks get used) — I do regret having bought some colors that don’t really coordinate well. ;) Particularly, pine green. Yeah. What am I going to do about that. And a magenta batik which I’m also not sure what to do with, other than pair it with yellow or gold.

I also have an overpopulation of blues, a number of which are also hard to coordinate because their color is so pure. It’s the same problem I’ve had with virtually all of my drawing supplies, and the reason why painting ended up being so attractive to me.

It’s probably also why I have so many batiks.

Today was the first day I could have signed up for Summer classes…but I’ve decided not to go that route. I don’t know if I’ll regret it, but I’m not too hot on getting back into a Library Science class and being judged on how well I meet the requirements. (A “B” average [3.0 GPA] has to be maintained with my University, or one is blocked out of further training: even with post-grad classes.)

It’s also about $1400 for the one class I would have taken…compressed over Summer Session. To be honest, I have mixed feelings about Cataloging. I don’t know if I’m going to stick with it, and really, I don’t want to blow $1400 on something I find out I don’t want to do. It’s given every semester. I have other options to take before that deep dive, to test the waters.

No, I didn’t plan that analogy — but seriously, I don’t have to shell out that much right now. I just haven’t been overly impressed with my experience of Grad School. Not kidding. I don’t know if I even would have gone, if I hadn’t had financial backing and institutional and family support.

I also likely wouldn’t be looking at Cataloging Librarianship except for the fact that I did enjoy my Metadata class, and people repeatedly and over years, have told me that I would be good for the position(s). However: choosing to do something because it’s something that’s not what I know I don’t want to do, but at the same time, I don’t know what it is: that’s not a positive reason to go into it. I understand that; I’m not sure if the Librarians I know, have understood it (or have thought that deeply about it). It just seems like Cataloging, to them, is the land to which non-People-Persons flee.

In the interim, I’m going to be doing more training. I know a place where I can learn MS Excel online — which I’ll likely be able to use for many things. (Previously, I’ve received training at an Adult School, but I think it was four intensive sessions.)

I’ve finished that one Linked Data book (Linked Data for the Perplexed Librarian), which means I can begin reading Essential Classification and get back to Online Searching (which is, basically, the other end of Classification). Probably, I can also get back into my Reader’s Advisory study, if I get bored (and if I can tolerate the authors’ attitudes, which is not a given, and which is the biggest reason I stopped reading them).

Seriously, I don’t know if Public Librarianship is for me. There’s just…an ideological component which I recognize and am not all the way comfortable with. Probably because I’m uncomfortable with ideologies in general. I mean, yes, it’s great — philosophically speaking — that there’s a place where everyone can go and be treated with respect…do I want to be the person burdened with the task of tolerating everyone as long as they don’t break others’ written policies, however? To respect people who don’t respect me? Who don’t respect people like me? It’s one thing to set policy, another to be the person who has to carry it out.

There are a number of privileges you don’t get to have when you’re a Public Librarian; limitations on who and what you do and don’t accept — or attitudes that make your job more or less difficult to tolerate. Is the job important enough to me, for that?

But that gets back to emotional labor. Something I really don’t want to have to undertake, although in service jobs…well. What choice does a person have? (What are jobs which do not require emotional labor [at least, that aren’t either menial or math-based]?)

I would say, though — I would have more of a choice if I were not a, “Public Servant.” (Which term, many members of the public seem to misunderstand as a kind of hierarchical status.) If I were working for a private firm, that’s different, though maybe not so much as I’d think.

The difference is that I can refuse to serve a person (for any reason Management will allow, given that they also have their own Business cultures — which I know about, having taken Business and Management classes [yes, I know what a Strategic Plan is]) when working for a private company. Working for local government is more convoluted because of our funding being dependent upon local opinion, plus the footholds of government and politics (and that aforementioned ideology).

So…the remaining openings I’m looking at…there are three:

  1. Academic Librarianship
  2. Special Librarianship
  3. Digital Librarianship

…and I probably need to get on looking at non-Library jobs, as well. I think I’ve grown past the point at which I didn’t want to ever accept money from people. It was because all my needs were met, and I didn’t need the money. But faced with the prospect of having to take care of myself…yeah, I’d need the money. Computers don’t come via goodwill. Neither do art supplies. Or housing.

Well, I suppose that if I’m almost 40 and I finally understand what it means to be able to earn the money to buy things I need and want…well, it’s slow-coming, but I guess we all eventually get there…or, we’re taken care of all of our lives. At least, that’s how it’s been, for me: and I can see that I don’t want to have to be taken care of, forever. Because, for one thing, that leaves me in a very bad place if my caretakers are no longer able to help me.

No, I don’t want to end this entry on a downer.

I should continue with my studies, even if they take me somewhere different than I think I’m going. Mostly, for me, right now that’s reading — though I think it is possible for me to take internships through Open University.

I haven’t done any Japanese practice in several days…is it that important? I’ve just reached a point where the program I’m working with has become nonsensical (in terms of examples). I’ve had to look up words because the program can’t see me to know that I’m not understanding what it’s getting at. After I looked the words up, still, I don’t know what it’s specifically getting at…and there is no Teacher’s Manual that I have seen.

I think it would also help me to figure out both job tasks I would like to undertake, and places I (think I) would like to work. I really hate job-hunting because of false leads and cons…that’s what it takes, though. There are also probably a lot of people job-hunting right now, so maybe I should give it a rest…

Fabric store, though. Local fabric store, as a place to work. Or local art or craft store. It could be interesting. I already know a couple of people, as well…and I’d be willing to help out just to figure out what goes on in there, and gain experience…and that could lead to more. Businesses aren’t necessarily as regimented as the environment I’m used to…

— end, 12:35 AM, April 25, 2020

Business, career, comics, LIS

Expansion and direction: reading, writing, and editing

Over the last several days, I’ve been reading a lot. Surprisingly much. Because of this, I haven’t been really in a mental state to write. There’s a difference between being in an absorptive state and a creative or responsive state, for me.

Since getting a handle on a cluster of related skills to reinforce (and these in relation to reading, writing, language, and books), I’ve been researching a number of different ways to make ends meet, if it turns out that Librarianship isn’t something I want to — or healthily can — do full time.

In part because I have an Undergraduate degree in Creative Writing, I have experience which would prepare me for work as an Editor in the Publishing sector. I also have direct experience in writing as an art form (though yes, the majority of this is prose), which would help me publish as a writer in my own right.

The rest of my qualifications rest on what caused me to get the Creative Writing (CW) degree, in the first place — which existed long before I obtained the BA. It goes back to having been an AP English student (which allowed me to skip my basic English class in undergrad, as I had taken the AP test and gotten college credit), and prior to then, having had my aptitude for sensitive description noted by my 5th-grade teacher (which I remembered before I became a CW major).

If I worked in Editing, and/or Librarianship, and/or as a Writer, I could cobble together the means for a livelihood (as I’ve heard is normal for creative types) — even if two out of the three of those (Editing and Writing) were freelance. Librarianship could give me, essentially, a source of steady income and health/vision/dental benefits. Not to mention that Library skills make one good at research; and reading widely, plus knowledge of commercial markets and brand positioning, help with all of these.

Also: getting an MFA would likely open some doors for me in both Publishing and Teaching. Do I want to do it? Certainly so, if money (and time) were not an object.

I haven’t put all of this together, yet, but I’m a bit concerned I may forget about what I’ve been doing over the last several days, if I don’t record it, somewhere.

As an aside, I did find this article from LitHub on how to choose a medium for one’s story. Unfortunately, the amount of material on how to actually tell which medium to start out with, prior to having started, is sparse. And…essentially, difficult to gauge, without experience. As well — the author of the LitHub article wrote scripts for comics; I don’t know if he illustrated them (though his bio says that he at least had been a cartoonist).

I’ve just looked back at what I wrote as a bare-bones introduction to my script, and it really isn’t a big deal to convert it to what would likely read as paranormal fiction. (I must admit, though: I still need to do research on what distinguishes “literature” from “genre fiction.”) I mean, what I wrote isn’t a lot: it’s condensed and not meant to be fleshed out, at this point.

What I did realize, though, last night — was the fact that I could run tangential or side-stories as comics, and the main body of work as prose. I’ve seen some Young Adult (YA) material, existent both as graphic novels and as prose, work like this (though possibly not precisely like what I’m thinking of).

What I’m thinking of, specifically, is the Full Metal Panic! series. Of course, FMP!, as I first heard of it in the U.S., was known for making constant insider Japanese pop-culture references which I doubt would have translated well. Nor have I gone to the effort to read any of the novels. I just know they exist.

There are a couple of other YA series which I know also exist in comic + prose formats. One is Warriors; the other is Maximum Ride. It seems there should be another James Patterson novel + manga series I’m thinking of; is it Daniel X? Hmm. Possibly.

Anyhow…I know I want to get into comics, but I am also thinking that I should aim for a project that’s small and able to be accomplished with limited skills — at least, at first. It’s been a really long time since I’ve made comics, though as a kid I drew my stories out obsessively. (This was before they became long and complex enough to merit MS Word documents.) I do still have copies of this work: on floppy disk! (I also still remember what it was like to try and edit a novel-length document for consistency.)

Like I’ll find a computer that can read 3.5″ floppies and old Word files. Gah.

Anyway, it likely wasn’t even that good, considering I was probably around 17 years old when I wrote it. Not to rag on young people (I know Eragon was written by a teen) — but I wasn’t that good.

The biggest step I could take towards any of these goals is to keep on writing and reading. If I can find an inlet into the Publishing world, it would get me in there sooner, and without incurring an extra $22,000 in debt that I would have to expect, should I go for the MFA.

The fact is, though: I have chosen library work as a primary career option, which at least theoretically should enable me to be exposed to the works I need to be reading. If, that is, I can tell which they are. That in itself is not necessarily easy; Reader’s Advisory is something else I wasn’t really taught about in Library School. As well, the organization of fiction in most libraries, leaves something to be desired. I do have sources to look at, though, which should be able to help me navigate that.

I should also note that I may not want to go for an MFA to get into the Editing or Publishing businesses, without first having had some experience in the field (which may negate the need for extra formal training, or show me if I really don’t want the job[s]). I made that mistake with Librarianship: getting the degree before the practical experience, so I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do with the degree.

I am also, however, in a position where I may in the relatively near future, be able to run Creative Writing groups (giving me Teaching experience), or network with co-workers and find people who are already established Editors. If I network, I might be able to find someone to take me on as an Assistant Editor, which is basically an apprenticeship position from which I could step up to being an Editor at a Publishing House (or online; and/or freelance).

So…yes. I need to be writing, reading, and looking at jobs in Publishing.

That’s clear to me, now.

And it’s probably faster and more efficient, to network. But I feel like I have to get my knowledge together, first…like understanding the difference between a Copy Editor and a Developmental Editor; fiscal and other pressures on the Publishing industry; knowing just how much reading an Editor needs to do. Things of that nature…

art, Business, career, comics, creative writing, self care, work

I have more, and different, things to give than this.

I did finally take the leap today and started writing out a script for the story that has been gnawing at me since my young adulthood. Although it took a while to ripen (I had to get sufficient life experience to be able to write, contextualize, and understand the story)…the current story is, well, interesting. Though I probably overuse that term.

I can skip around in the story’s timeline, to tell it more quickly. At this rate, I’m not sure what I’ll have left to clarify, before long; then, I can work on fleshing it out if it needs it. (I was taught not to include extraneous details, a form of minimalism which I didn’t understand for a long time. I used it to good effect in my plot summary, though.) However, as I’ve said, this is a finite story with an ending. I’m not going to run a series on until it stops selling — sales aren’t the point. Experience; practice; and getting it out of my head, onto paper, and shared; are.

I’ve also found the difference in definition between, “comics,” and, “comix.” I’d be in good company if I really…utilized my creative freedom in a ‘zine format.

I’ve started to remember that I do have a personal life, ambitions, and goals, outside of my employment…which I need to hold onto. I’m not worthless without my job. I’ve just had so much anxiety recently, though — largely from taking work issues home with me, the stress of being on-call, and learning to drive — that I’ve needed to step back.

If this doesn’t work out…the job search will start again, and I will likely want to find a job in between the end of the last and the beginning of the next library stint. However…well, I know that the job I’m thinking of may be highly difficult for me, as it’s customer-service oriented. Because customer service is what I’m struggling with right now (that is, emotional labor coming from being seen and related to and expected to be and react as a “girl”), it might not be a good fit (unless I want to take a low-paying job where I can practice those skills, which will apply in any public-facing job in a Library. Of course…I’d prefer a job which was not public-facing. At least I feel that way, now).

The major difference between working for a private company and working as a Public Servant, is that in a private company, I can say, “no, I’m not going to serve you.” That’s harder when you work as a public employee, and have to tolerate some level of inappropriateness.

The upshot of said Clerk job is that I’ll make new connections, and be around artists and art materials — something I desire. Of course…my own background is more eclectic than not. I’m not an artist who has been able to devote a life to art…wait, unless you consider writing an art. Literary Arts, I guess I have been involved in for quite a while. I got a Bachelor’s in that stuff (though that wasn’t the name of my degree). Also, an Associate’s in Art; so…hmm.

What I meant is that I haven’t had the money or inclination to go to “Art School”. I mean, I’ve wanted to. Particularly recently (within the last decade), I did find at least one place giving an MFA in Comics. I have just known that dropping money on an Art degree like it’s nothing, hasn’t been a financially sound decision. But then, majoring in Creative Writing also wasn’t a good financial decision. I just didn’t know that when I got into it.

But hey. I have two AAs, a BA, and a MLIS…which isn’t a bad track record. It should prove to people that I can get through College and University, at least; and also that I can learn, and that I know how to learn. I can also work with technology. Even as much as I don’t want to, sometimes, it’s nice to be able to fix things (and understand what I can of how things work). It’s just that getting to the point of capability with that requires blood, sweat, and tears; and to be honest, I have only scratched the surface of dealing with this. I just haven’t wanted to look forward to a lifetime of learning new technologies in order to remain viable.

So getting back into Scriptwriting and Arts and Crafts…has really been good for me, in that I know that I don’t have to fall back on my Library work for the rest of my life. I was actually talking with another person about this recently (she volunteered the sentiment — possibly because she saw that I was entertaining the thought of eventually taking on the ongoing operation of a library Art display. It would be a Volunteer position, but that could still hold me over if I had to switch jobs and then re-enter the job market with little or no paid work). I think the other Substitutes know how hard it is to be in my position. It is a small comfort.

I also have the skill of journaling — I was able to get five pages of writing out today as to what was going on with work, and why I was feeling the way I was (to put it succinctly, I was upset very recently). That way, it’s recorded, and I don’t have to think about it anymore.

It’s nice to be able to do that with unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Writing has been a very useful skill for me, over the years. Even when it has shown me things I would rather not see.

Regardless, though: it wouldn’t be a bad idea to get on top of new job openings; and I know I can be more than a retail Clerk. Kind of like I might be able to do more than become a Public Librarian (though the pay scales and levels of appreciation probably can’t even be compared). The MLIS introduced me to a lot of skills which I don’t necessarily have to use here. It might be useful to look back through the classes I did take, and their applicability within or outside the Library world.

It also might be useful to get back into a Business program. But I’ll get to that if and when I come to it. It could be useful if I wanted to help a Small Business, like a bead or fabric store. Though at this point, they may eventually want to put me into Management. Right now, I wouldn’t turn it down; I have enough experience working lower-level jobs and seeing both good and not-great Management in action that, if the pay is right, I might be moved to do it. Before I left my last job (of 9 years) as an Aide, I did realize that I could become a Circulation Manager — if I wanted to be one — because I knew about optimal workflow (and about who wasn’t doing their job). But being in that position isn’t easy — the difficult cases get referred to you.

But again…that’s only if things come to that. In the meantime, I should try and, well, feel better, and not assume that this job is the only job I’ll ever get, or that it’s the end of the world if I lose it. That’s not a great bargaining position.

And I’m more than that. I have more to give, than that.