It’s been a while since I made any entries to this site, and right now I’m not sure I should be writing. It’s well after midnight, and the events of the past day — well, they’ve been disturbing enough that, for one thing, I’m up at midnight (though several months ago, this would not have been “a thing”); for another thing, I just took medication about four hours late, which means I may just have blown tomorrow up where it comes to getting anything done.
To catch you all up: in the interim, I’ve gone off of one of the medications which caused me one of the most irritating side-effects I’ve had to deal with, which was slow incremental weight gain over a number of years. I had to be on it when I was working at the Library, because I wouldn’t have been able to handle working with the Public, without it. (I’m thinking that anyone who works [or has worked] directly with the Public, knows what I’m talking about.) But I haven’t had to do that for over a year, and I realized that now might be an opportune time to go through withdrawal…which I’ve done. I don’t think my mood tonight has to do with that, but my sensitivity to criticism and harassment may well have increased.
Concomitant with anything having to do with that medication is sleep disturbance. I naturally tend to get about four to six hours of sleep a night. On the medication I’m still on, I tend to get 12-14. The fattening medication was meant to help me be functional in the daytime, but due to the fact that I lost structure during Pandemic Lockdown, I was taking it irregularly, and hence I was regularly waking up at 4 to 5 in the morning. No, I don’t know why. That’s the reason I stopped, though: in addition to the fact that I’ve gained enough weight that it’s now disturbing for me to look at myself.
But anyway, I’m in a bit of a self-destructive, angry mood…which is why I’m still up writing when I know I should be in bed.
To get across what happened without pointing fingers…pressure has increased where it comes to getting a paying job, as versus working on the beadwork enterprise (which is much less efficient when it comes to earning money, and may be best as an avocation for an unmarried person). I’m not sure if it was intended to come off as it did, but it pretty well ensured that I felt like **** for most of the day. Especially as I feel like the vast majority of my life has been spent doing what other people have wanted me to do. Then they tell me to do what I want to do, which I have absolutely no practice at being able to tell, having been told what to do all my life, and they get upset when I don’t know already what I want to do.
Constantly pushing me about what I want to do isn’t going to make me know what I want to do. The only thing that’s going to help with that, is experience. I can’t make myself know what I don’t know, which is something I learned while trying to investigate the whole gender identity thing. Maybe four years from now, I’ll have a better idea; but in the meantime, we’re stuck with experiments. I’m sorry.
Anyhow. I’ve spent the vast majority of today attempting to line up at least one route of learning, which is in line with what other people want for me. We’ll see if I’m ever able to get into my email inbox. I couldn’t do it, tonight: I’m thinking someone at Admissions & Records has to manually approve something, or the server has to catch up. If it isn’t up by early next week, I’ll call in.
The reason I’m writing in to this blog is that I’ve realized that writing is one of my core interests and strengths…which I had started to develop, here. It seemed out of place to put it up on my beadwork blog, and I haven’t yet really committed to an archive of creative writing (though a long time ago, I did set up a spot, with — you know, a theme…maybe I’ll develop it and share the URL here once it’s built up. Personal writing and Creative writing are good bedfellows). You may notice that a lot of my older Pandemic writings are no longer visible; I still have them, but they aren’t Public, right now.
I’ve been in a kind of limbo between beader and writer and blogger. Being in business kind of makes self-expression a negative thing; but if I go into Writing, people will actually appreciate the fact that I can think and express my thoughts. That’s why communication exists, after all.
Of course, if I’m not financially dependent on the beadwork, that limitation totally goes away. Unless, that is — I end up in an environment where I have to conform, again. But it’s a very good question, to what extent conformity is valued in a world of thoughts. It’s certainly not the reason I got into Writing; the distance I am from that is so incredibly far that I don’t even know of an appropriate metaphor.
I mean…language doesn’t exist so that we can speak again the thoughts of the past, any more than Art exists to copy the “Old Masters” or Music exists to replay Bach over and over again.
Well…I guess if I’ve gotten anything out of tonight, it’s that I might actually have a chance at some of these jobs, at least in the future. I had been concerned with obtaining training in Computer Science: Information Technology was what I was overwhelmingly matched to, when I took a short assessment, tonight. Out of everything, it looks like what I can leverage most would be Web Development, Game Design, and Computer Programmer…
Or, that would be the interesting stuff. :) Well, Programming hasn’t really been that interesting to me, but I’ve never had a good class in it. HTML? CSS? I’m down with that. But that’s not programming; that’s markup and stylesheets.
I should add that I don’t know the mechanics (i.e. algorithm) of the assessment tool, so I probably should take its predictions with a grain of salt.
The thing is…I know a good deal about languages; human ones, I mean. The sheer opacity of technical language is…well, it’s a barrier. Possibly an intentional one. But human languages…I’m skilled with English, I can understand Spanish at times, and I’m interested in Japanese (and am learning to decode it by ear). That…sounds more like a linguistically-oriented person, to me. The thing is, much of my communication is through writing or media.
Which fits in well with the, “Artistic,” attribute I found pinned on me from the assessment. I also scored highly in, “Realistic,” and, “Conventional.” I don’t know where that came from; but maybe I would be a different person if I wasn’t harassed as a youth. I guess some of my habits are conservative (sewing, beadwork), but that doesn’t really reflect on my politics at all. What it does reflect on is concern over being forced out of a group for being different, which can cause a person not to acknowledge or express their difference. (Does fear of expulsion define conservatism?)
I did see job ads tonight which dealt with multimedia…which I’ve been wanting to get into, and may now be at a place at which I can. But do I need to understand how to edit video (.mp4), or should I be focusing on game scripting…? (The latter sounds more enjoyable, but the former opens more jobs.) I need to research more job ads, on this: I’ve been looking at Copyeditor positions, and that…looks very doable, to me.
It could be worth it to focus on translation, eventually…but that requires eventual facility in a language…and I’m still not sure where to learn Japanese beyond an introductory level, let alone where I can practice it.
Why was it that I originally wanted to learn Japanese? I know I was exposed to anime, manga, and video games…I also wanted to learn the roots of what had influenced me as a child. Hmm.
Anyhow…I seem to have calmed myself down. Maybe I can go take a rest, now…